Falling Forward

“I have spoke with the tongue of Angels, I have held the hand of the Devil” ~U2

There are days when the crisp breeze can make it feel as though we are walking along the glaciers of Antarctica and others when the sun beats down so hard it as is if the Equator is mere miles away. There is a magic in the fall season which always seems to bring out an intense array of change. Other than the clocks, the term “fall back” has never resonated much with me; it’s always better to fall forward. For that matter, when spring arrives, might as well spring forward too! With Thanksgiving right around the corner I have had some time to review some of the mistakes and missteps I have made and found reason to be thankful for them; took time and reached out to some people who have taught me lessons or brought positive influence into my life just to let them know they are being thought of. Mostly they have been folks who have not heard from me in awhile and that has been pretty awesome. That slight gesture has put smiles on the faces and in the hearts of everyone involved. There are people and situations in life we must remember to simply be grateful for, it makes everything worth while. In a year where I have learned as much about myself as any other, my entire attitude and outlook is going through a huge growth stage. A lot of alone time, sleepless nights, mixed up thoughts, and rejection have cleared the overall path to what I vow to create; the greatest life ever. Consistently falling forward makes it easier to get back up, dust yourself off and keep moving, even if you have to crawl for a time.   

After every single storm there is a clear day ahead and that is the way I try to live my life. That is an easy statement to say or even write; it is also one of the most difficult to live by. A very close friend said to me a short time ago, “it amazes me you didn't start drinking again”. For me, that wasn't an option I would consider. Instead, the other day I went to the ocean, sat there watching the waves crash ashore, allowing myself to feel the moment and release what holds me back. I let everything I was ever afraid of go out to sea in a bottle. Everyone has the ability to change, to go with life’s flow like a rafting trip down a swift moving river. There will be smooth sailing sometimes, but we are bound to hit some major bumps along the way. The trick is in realizing that you can’t change anything but how you think and feel about yourself. I lost an election that I worked really hard at and the free time allowed me to begin writing again; to follow my ultimate dream of acting. It also gave me the opportunity to study in an effort that will enhance my career and give me the freedom to get to the place I really want to go. A relationship ended that was the greatest one I've ever known. It forced me to look deep inside, challenged me, and helped me realize that not only am I good enough, but ready and able to be the man of someone’s dreams. It raised the bar for what I desire in a partner; two people powerful enough to change the world, who will empower, challenge, laugh with, and encourage each other. It will be impossible for me to ever settle for less than that. Then, recently I missed out on a role that would be perfect for me and I prepared for it more than any other to date. That disappointment knocked me for a loop but may have opened another door to write a play; I am making an attempt and welcome the creative change. The point is that we can keep taking the hits, keep getting knocked down and still fall forward. At the very least we are still able to look ahead when we fall in that direction. If we stay idle or dwell on missed opportunities, we will always be looking back. Change your perception, change your life.Throw fear into the sea or wherever you need to in order to embrace this magical journey. Remember one important thing, falling forward also means you're out there living life; making things happen!!  

Making Sense Of It ALL

Soulmates, challenges, serendipity, life on life’s terms, understanding, faith, love, and lessons; these are just a small portion of the things I have tried to make sense of lately and frankly I don’t know if it’s possible. I had correspondence recently with a writer I admire and he had some advice for me which I will try and conjure up here; basically he said I always try and drive home the things I have already nailed in my writing. I probably do that because I feel as though I have to relearn a lot of things I thought I figured out! So Mr. Brault, thank you and here’s to change!

~ For whatever reason I have always been guarded against allowing people to get close to me; the reasoning is the one you allow closest may run furthest away.

~ I think the reason I am the way I am is because of the work and introspection I have done on myself over the years. I've been doing too much of it.

~ To let go and to live in the question is not as easy for some of us as it is others; Suppose silence is the answer, eventually you will stop asking questions. 

~ Stepping out of ourselves and taking an honest look at where we are at allows us to be grateful for air we breathe, visions we see, dreams we have, and feelings we feel. You can hold your breath, close your eyes, dream new dreams; feelings are unrelenting.  

~ It’s pretty ironic that actually doing everything in your power to move forward doesn't always have you feeling that you are going anywhere.

~ Souls are invisible until right there in the flesh, their mates show up on the same bus.

~Serendipity is not a fluke.    

~There are films, books, web sites, and of course music that seem to make sense of feelings at any given moment. However, the closing credits come up on the screen or the last note is played and there we are again, trying to figure out where to go next.

~ Sharing is mathematical. Joys multiply and pains divide.

~ The four letter word that makes us weep, laugh, believe, scream in the shower, dance in the moonlight, and punch the air is LOVE. There are many other four letter words which that one causes us to mumble or whisper.

~ Dreams can start over; a cannoli and some coffee with two forks and two cups.

~ Perhaps the only thing that makes sense in life is nothing makes sense. 

Acceptance, Balance, and Change

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible; fear of failure” ~The Alchemist

Above all else, my dream is to be better. I spend a lot of time creating; writing, working on the craft of acting, and lately studying so I may be better at the job I’m truly blessed to have. With all of that comes a deep desire to share everything with someone who inspires me and I, in turn, hope to inspire. Before the beginning of the summer I tended to break my life down into three different phases, those life altering moments when something inside or even circumstances you can’t control force you to look at the world and your life differently. Accepting the things you cannot change in life are the moments when the biggest changes occur and that always happens within. Phase one of my life was when I learned some of the great lessons I have carried with me ever since. Work hard and you may surprise some people along the way. Family is family and they are never going to be perfect, love them anyway; some of life’s greatest memories are being a kid with the innocence of not “knowing any better”. Phase two began 22 years ago yesterday when my brother, my best friend, my hero was tragically taken from this world. I could not accept it and instead I began a pattern of living that would break me down in every possible way; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I spent some years after his death in a fog; a haze of destruction of which inevitably brought me to my knees. I also know that he has always been with me, likely having a hand in keeping me alive. Over the last several months he has entered in these vivid dreams directly involving my current circumstances that I could only share with very few people; he was a fighter then and that spirit lives in me. He has left me a few nickels richer! Today, I am thankful for it because I ended up at phase three; a moment of clarity in 2005 that began a new life and an opportunity to soar. I have grown a lot since then; there is no way to define the transformation that has taken place. The words gratitude, faith, and love all come to mind. In essence, I became the version of myself I was intended to be… sort of.

The fourth phase has begun and it has everything to do with balance and sharing. I had been with the person who allowed me to see that and now I know for certain what will bring me full circle; back to the innocence of “not knowing any better”. Armed with the wisdom of my experiences and the balance that was brought to me; I have been smacked awake and know with all my heart what I desire in this lifetime. There will not be anger or resentment, only love and encouragement. For many years the only real fear I had was of failing and that was an obstacle designed for me. Sure there are moments, words unspoken or spoken, choices I made that I would take back if I could; I also know where my true desires are and I’m no longer afraid to fail. Have the courage to change the things you can and have faith that the results will bring you closer to your best life. Never be afraid to lay your cards out on the table; the results won’t be up to you, but at the very least you will have stepped up and gave life a shot. For the rest of my days I will be grateful even when I don’t understand. I will be humble because I know what I can and can’t control. I will love unconditionally because forgiveness is essential to a peaceful heart. Even when it is painful, I will walk with my shoulders back and head held high knowing I did the best I could. I will send encouragement and light to those who have touched my soul no matter the distance between us. When an opportunity to change comes, I will embrace it and move forward. I will never again be afraid to fail or speak what I truly feel. I want to share everything, good and bad with a person who simply wants to understand me; I too will at least try and understand them. In this phase of development; above all else, my dream is to be better.

My younger self (and future self too)

As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

Last night at a family gathering celebrating a milestone birthday for my brother and two other birthdays, my niece and nephew, a major thought occurred to me as I spoke to my oldest nephew. I tried to teach him something I hope he will understand one day. With all I have learned through challenges, triumphs, loss, and incredible moments of clarity in my life, what would be the most important lessons I would teach my younger self or hopefully my own kids some day? When I say younger self, this can mean “younger” as in a day ago, a month ago, ten years ago, or thirty years ago. The bottom line is our individual journeys are constantly in the flow of our current beliefs in ourselves or the contradictions that force us to grow. Over the last several months I've come to trust that I am fully at peace with who I am; this after having my confidence shaken tremendously. I’m incredibly grateful that these monumental changes came to me. It’s okay for me to be a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, to be a man of determination and conviction, a man who truly believes in unconditional love and regards that over all else. I can be stubborn and loyal to a fault, tough enough to risk my life for others, yet soft enough write poetry. I've never been interested in being what others believe I should be, yet for a time I fell into that trap. I will listen to advice, I will seek wisdom. However, with all of my “advisers” and people who believe they know how I should be living and telling me how; I will trust my heart first and foremost because that is where my truth lies.

I will be brave enough to break down walls that I have built around myself in order to be the greatest man I can be. I will have enough faith in both myself and The Universe that each and every moment is perfect even when it doesn't feel that way. I will continue to give without any expectation of return. I now know that I am worthy of the greatest life possible and I want to build just that; hopefully alongside someone who makes me better, who balances out my complexities with purity and a smile that makes my heart sing. In turn, I will be the best silly, happy, loving, and compassionate guy I was created to be. I could be a rock for anyone; there is nothing this world can throw at me that I have not seen. I will provide support, love, affection, and all I can in every way because that is what my soul longs to do. I will treat people the way I want to be treated and communicate openly with those who matter most in my life. I will set out to make the world a better place humbly, respectfully, and with dignity. I will do my very best to be grateful for all that I do have and instead of dwelling on what I lack, I will work toward getting to the place I dream of being. I will kiss passionately, bask in spontaneity, love eternally and deeply. I will not be afraid to dance fast and hard no matter what I look like; I will cherish every slow dance I’m blessed enough to have, allowing my heart to melt with another. I will continue to act, to write, to create no matter how long it takes to “get it right”. I will be grateful for the surprise moments in life when my heart pounds, my body trembles, and my words flow out unmanaged. I will always have the audacity to laugh at myself when my idiotic tendencies come rushing out of me. I will never ever be afraid to tell the ones I love that I love them. I will cherish this life every moment of every day through each experience that helps create who I am. Hey, younger self, live life your way, without fear and always follow your heart! I got your back always. That goes for you too future self! What I know now, I wouldn’t change for anything! May everyone feel free enough to follow their bliss. Cheers.

Walk Like a Man or Woman

“I didn't think there would be so many steps I’d have to learn on my own”

~Bruce Springsteen

“I was young and I didn't know what to do when I saw your best steps stolen away from you; now I’ll do what I can, I’ll walk like a man”. A full decade since my father passed away, the man who always believed in me and who absolutely did the best he could with what he knew. In one way or another I have the sense that we choose the people in our lives, including our parents, siblings, family, and friends to teach us lessons throughout our journey. When we are able to delve into certain areas that hinder us, we will find freedom from these lessons. When we are open to it, others will enter our lives to help fill in the missing pieces. For years my dad knew that I was heading down a wrong path; one which he traveled himself and came around to defeat and ultimately break a cycle that kept our family intact. It is up to me now to take it all even further, to not only chase, but to realize the dreams that my heart yearns for. Truth be told, often we also learn how not to go about things from the ones we love the most. We have the ability to break patterns, to live fully and freely as we travel to our great destination. In order to fully evolve, we must first find what it is we truly want and then have the courage to face fears and obstacles to reach our bliss. It happens differently for everyone and there is magic in that; there is a mindset and purity that seems to allow for an insurmountable place of love and dedication. It is exactly where I want to be for myself and I’m more than willing to share everything I have to offer.

I can say that I’m there now, all the lessons have been taught and I’m aware of exactly how I feel even when I’m not perfectly sure how or when to express it. A guide in my life, who has taught me quite a bit over the last several years strongly brought to my attention that there are times you simply must follow your inner voice. This happened in an unconventional way because I felt as though she was telling me how I should feel about a very important situation, saying that I need more time to be ready for what my heart wants. As great as she has been, only I know how I feel and the unparalleled changes that have occurred in me over the last several months. I am ready and I trust in what my heart and soul tells me. Because of the journey that began with the loss of my dad I've grown increasingly freer over the years. I will continue to strive for freedom and unconditional love. That goes for everyone, take what you need from all sources and follow your own heart, follow your bliss. Self-discovery is a magical thing and is even better if your blessed enough to share it with a person who you believe in and believes in you. Release fear and doubt and go for your heart’s desire, there are no mistakes, only regret if you allow patterns and the influence of others to hold you back. The fall is upon us, choose to make it the way spring is supposed to be; let love blossom, take chances, feel your own unique power, and trust always what your instincts tell you. Walk the way you want to walk, talk the way you want to talk, and believe in yourself. We only got one shot to do each day right, win the day! Apart, we can be wonders of nature and together we can be forces of it. 

The MAGIC of a DECIDED HEART

“I believe in intuitions and inspirations…I sometimes “feel” that I am right. I do not “know” that I am”~ Albert Einstein

Our minds seek comfort while our hearts seek truth. Throughout our journey there will be serious crossroads when logic and passion meet and cause us to stop and reflect which direction to choose. For me, passion and intuition wins out the majority of the time and that is the beauty of risk. This is who I am and I am good with that because in the end, it is those decisions I made when it felt right that created the magical moments in my life. Of course I have made some wrong choices and learned from each of them. There is perfection in every imperfect situation; the trick is allowing yourself to see the magic in all of it. At the end of the day, when we sit still and allow ourselves to get in touch with our inner voice; the answers will come and when they are strong you’ll feel it throughout your body and any sort of logic should be tossed aside. As I sit here, having been awake for hours already I have come a magnificent decision because I’m finished gathering the outside information I needed, the “logic” that has caused a battle within me. Perhaps battle is the wrong word to use as it has really been a process. Forced to take a good hard look at what I desire in my world, every ounce of me now knows that answer. For the first time in my life, I am absolutely certain and trusting of who and what I want. All of the fears, the doubts, the questions of worthiness and readiness are completely gone from my psyche; my soul knows the answer, it always has. I just had to fully and unconditionally trust it!  

Still waters run deep, that has been “the way” for me much of my life. Today, I’d rather make a splash and go after the life I imagine, certain that I can live in the questions and let the answers flow like rolling river making its way to a fantastic destination. I had to listen for it, allow myself the freedom to discover all the things that have held me back thus far and confront them head on. When I’m at my best, I am the goofiest, most playful, caring, creative, considerate, loving, and secure person on earth. No doubt, I'm feeling that once again. The only thing that has ever kept me from that is fear when in fact there is nothing in this life to be afraid of. Right now, each of us has everything we need to create the life we imagine and be our absolute best. Take a risk with an open heart and open mind, let the chips fall where they may. Let your imagination run wild with all of your hearts desires; love passionately, work hard, dance crazily and sing loudly when you’re alone or even when you’re not. It’s an amazing revelation to find yourself skipping through a park and jumping in puddles with joyous spirit. Even if you’re not “feeling joyful”, take my word for it, you will be if you go and try it! Do things you have never done before and never ever be afraid to take someone else along for the ride. Embrace the feelings that make your heart thump, your dreams vivid, and imagination wander. In essence, we are all meant to have the light inside of us shine as bright the sun; never doubt the true freedom of being your authentic, weird, and awesome self. There is magic in a decided heart, it will cause you to change everything. Look doubt in the eye and give it the middle finger; no matter what your past has been like or future may or may not be; go ahead, skip, run, sing and dance; let your heart decide your destination.        

Lessons, Change & The innocence of Love

“We only accept the love we think we deserve”

It has finally hit me, the simple fact that it is impossible to love in the way you may want to if you’re not willing to be open enough to receive the love you deserve. First, we must happy with what we have, remind ourselves just how good we actually are instead of wanting more and losing purity in the process. We can be decision makers, intensely creative, passionately chasing dreams, and living good fulfilling lives and yet some of us will somehow forget about what is most important at the end of the day; finding time to appreciate ourselves and the people who touch us when we’re not counting on “achievements”. Throughout life, perhaps even before we are born, there are lessons we need to learn or are put on this earth strictly to be taught; other folks put here to teach us. For many, the biggest task is shaking complexities that hamper our ability to be our best self. We are perpetually growing from what we are showed by the people who touch our lives. In order to find true inner peace it is absolutely necessary to be open and available enough to love ourselves no matter where we want to go or where we have been. Throughout my life I was taught to be a fighter, to not back down, to hold things in, and never show your cards. In fact, my High School Yearbook says “Offer up your best defense, this is the end of the innocence”. In many instances that would serve me well, for I am driven and fearless when it comes most things. Then there was the whole battle within myself where I wasn't smart enough, rich enough, strong enough, and just about any other “enough” that one can think of. That led to a series of events in my life when my passion and will to be a good man guided me to conquer many things; from creating opportunities to having some successes after I surely doubted myself. Until now, the biggest victory in my life was figuring out that one day at a time I could go without feeding a disease that would be sure to kill me; which is super fantastic because I WANT TO LIVE! I want to dance (at least try to), create, travel, dream, and embrace each day. Now, what I know is that I’m not only “good enough”, but I want pure and unconditional love in my life and I deserve it, everybody does. It has been the toughest lesson of all because those complexities within me shielded me from receiving it from the person put here to finally show it to me. She made an incredibly brave decision that challenged me and forced me to finally see that missing part of myself. There are not enough words in the dictionary to show or say how grateful I am for that. In teaching me that lesson, nobody is more worthy of unconditional love than her; she is magical because I’m a tough nut to crack! Everyone deserves happiness and it is up to each of us to make the choice to look far enough within ourselves to empower it if that’s what you truly desire. I always wanted love, but I also used ridiculous fears to prevent me from fully receiving it until I was ready to learn the lesson and the right soul was placed in my complex world to teach me. Anyone lucky enough to find that in their lives, I truly hope you see it while it’s there in front of you; that you embrace it and return the magical lessons you're learning.  

Every one of us is like a seed that needs to be nurtured and watered and fed sunlight to grow. There are people who will teach us a great deal in life about how and sometimes how not to be. I have to believe that everyone from our parents, siblings, friends, lovers, and even strangers impact our lives in some way that guided us to our current situation. Mostly though, our own experiences are what mold us. That makes us teachers as well as the ones who need to be taught. It’s a beautiful thing to be both and share it all with the world and those who matter most in our lives. Lessons never end, there are great ones and tough ones; but life will only get better if you let it. I've spent a whole lot of time looking inside to see what drives me, what makes me tick; acting, writing, creating, reading, meditation and physical exercise are just some of the ways and it has served me well. Lately it has been a lot of reading, writing (trying all kinds), driving, getting with nature, and doing whatever I can to quiet a very active mind. There have been many breakthroughs for me and if it could happen to me, it could certainly happen to anyone. Once you are free of your most inner fears, you will then, without even trying, allow everyone around you to feel the same way. My heart is a difficult one to hold, but it’s open and trusting at the moment. Those who are happiest and most content seem to be the ones who learned these lessons already. We are all learning at our own pace, in the exact time we are supposed to. Everything changes, so long as we are willing to open up and try to see things through a different pair of lenses; take the good lessons with the bad ones and do your best to let down your defenses and be available for life’s richest rewards. Trust the whole puzzle will one day come together, that the perfect connectors will find their way into or back into your world, whatever the case may be. If they come back, you will have both learned from each other and you will become greater than ever before. When your heart and soul are open to the gift, it is much more difficult to believe that it will not. Take the nourishment and the sunlight when it is fed to you; allow your amazing life to grow perfectly with the innocence of love.