Lessons, Change & The innocence of Love

“We only accept the love we think we deserve”

It has finally hit me, the simple fact that it is impossible to love in the way you may want to if you’re not willing to be open enough to receive the love you deserve. First, we must happy with what we have, remind ourselves just how good we actually are instead of wanting more and losing purity in the process. We can be decision makers, intensely creative, passionately chasing dreams, and living good fulfilling lives and yet some of us will somehow forget about what is most important at the end of the day; finding time to appreciate ourselves and the people who touch us when we’re not counting on “achievements”. Throughout life, perhaps even before we are born, there are lessons we need to learn or are put on this earth strictly to be taught; other folks put here to teach us. For many, the biggest task is shaking complexities that hamper our ability to be our best self. We are perpetually growing from what we are showed by the people who touch our lives. In order to find true inner peace it is absolutely necessary to be open and available enough to love ourselves no matter where we want to go or where we have been. Throughout my life I was taught to be a fighter, to not back down, to hold things in, and never show your cards. In fact, my High School Yearbook says “Offer up your best defense, this is the end of the innocence”. In many instances that would serve me well, for I am driven and fearless when it comes most things. Then there was the whole battle within myself where I wasn't smart enough, rich enough, strong enough, and just about any other “enough” that one can think of. That led to a series of events in my life when my passion and will to be a good man guided me to conquer many things; from creating opportunities to having some successes after I surely doubted myself. Until now, the biggest victory in my life was figuring out that one day at a time I could go without feeding a disease that would be sure to kill me; which is super fantastic because I WANT TO LIVE! I want to dance (at least try to), create, travel, dream, and embrace each day. Now, what I know is that I’m not only “good enough”, but I want pure and unconditional love in my life and I deserve it, everybody does. It has been the toughest lesson of all because those complexities within me shielded me from receiving it from the person put here to finally show it to me. She made an incredibly brave decision that challenged me and forced me to finally see that missing part of myself. There are not enough words in the dictionary to show or say how grateful I am for that. In teaching me that lesson, nobody is more worthy of unconditional love than her; she is magical because I’m a tough nut to crack! Everyone deserves happiness and it is up to each of us to make the choice to look far enough within ourselves to empower it if that’s what you truly desire. I always wanted love, but I also used ridiculous fears to prevent me from fully receiving it until I was ready to learn the lesson and the right soul was placed in my complex world to teach me. Anyone lucky enough to find that in their lives, I truly hope you see it while it’s there in front of you; that you embrace it and return the magical lessons you're learning.  

Every one of us is like a seed that needs to be nurtured and watered and fed sunlight to grow. There are people who will teach us a great deal in life about how and sometimes how not to be. I have to believe that everyone from our parents, siblings, friends, lovers, and even strangers impact our lives in some way that guided us to our current situation. Mostly though, our own experiences are what mold us. That makes us teachers as well as the ones who need to be taught. It’s a beautiful thing to be both and share it all with the world and those who matter most in our lives. Lessons never end, there are great ones and tough ones; but life will only get better if you let it. I've spent a whole lot of time looking inside to see what drives me, what makes me tick; acting, writing, creating, reading, meditation and physical exercise are just some of the ways and it has served me well. Lately it has been a lot of reading, writing (trying all kinds), driving, getting with nature, and doing whatever I can to quiet a very active mind. There have been many breakthroughs for me and if it could happen to me, it could certainly happen to anyone. Once you are free of your most inner fears, you will then, without even trying, allow everyone around you to feel the same way. My heart is a difficult one to hold, but it’s open and trusting at the moment. Those who are happiest and most content seem to be the ones who learned these lessons already. We are all learning at our own pace, in the exact time we are supposed to. Everything changes, so long as we are willing to open up and try to see things through a different pair of lenses; take the good lessons with the bad ones and do your best to let down your defenses and be available for life’s richest rewards. Trust the whole puzzle will one day come together, that the perfect connectors will find their way into or back into your world, whatever the case may be. If they come back, you will have both learned from each other and you will become greater than ever before. When your heart and soul are open to the gift, it is much more difficult to believe that it will not. Take the nourishment and the sunlight when it is fed to you; allow your amazing life to grow perfectly with the innocence of love.      

The Value of Laughter & Three Tough Words

“To me there is nothing more sacred than love and laughter, there is nothing more prayerful than playfulness” ~Osho

As I entered the room of about eight people, ready to give the decision makers the best audition I possibly could, someone asked me; “Did you hear about Robin Williams”? News was just beginning to spread about the death of one of my idols. What happened? Nobody will ever know what was going through his mind at that moment; there will be speculation and “expert” analysis in the media and hopefully a Universal awareness and movement toward empathy. The guy who made millions laugh and entertained us unlike any before or likely will again had fallen victim to the three hardest words in our language; “I need help”. It hit me pretty hard; I asked for a couple minutes to process it and went ahead with the audition a few minutes later. I went home and watched Mr. Williams dazzle a room full of acting students and all I could see was his gifts that he so freely shared with all of us. I laughed and laughed hard, it felt good. My admiration for him will never waver and now more than ever, I can appreciate his talent and empathize with his demons; I’ve knocked out a few of my own in my time. I also understand what it is like to try and please “the masses” and lose part of my personal playful spirit in the process. I have made a vow to myself to not let that happen again because when all is said and done, it is the personal relationships we build, the laughter we share with those closest to us that keep us alive. Several weeks ago, having a difficult time with a situation in my life and then possibly making a mistake in trying to resolve it, I made a call to friend and told him that I needed help; three very difficult words to drum up when you’re an independent and self-sufficient person with a lot to be grateful for. However, he dropped what he was doing and agreed to meet up for dinner and a new process began. Within seconds after hanging up the phone is when the “volcano” erupted inside me. A couple days later I met with a person who has, over the years, guided me in a great direction and there appears to be tons of laughter on the horizon all because I stripped myself of pride and asked for help.

The following day another idol of mine passed away, an idol for a completely different reason. Lauren Bacall, who was once the young, energetic, independent, and life loving woman who humanized the great Humphrey Bogart passed away. Together, their playful spirit and timeless love is something to be admired by everyone. “Bogey became a little more giggly because of her” is a quote that I read about them and it really hits home for me. They were playful and full of laughter and that made for a sacred bond that was beautiful. She was mature beyond her years and never ever took a back seat to him. By all accounts, she made him a better man, a more open and free person no matter where they stood individually. She lived a great life and had a wonderful career in her own right, I read her book a few years ago and it inspired me greatly. I’m not one to overemphasize celebrity couples or love stories, but this one was different, the kind to aspire to. It’s easy to see in pictures of them that there was no place they would rather be than together and I’m certain they are again. Of course, I am also sure that they had to work some stuff out together and that is the magic of it. Age does not necessarily protect you from love and passion, however, I bet that it does work the other way around. Those two “mega stars” were far from perfect individually, together however, they created one of the great stories of all time. So there we have it, laughter will inspire us to do great things and also may cause us to hide some things we need to address. I do wish Robin Williams had the courage to ask for help and I completely understand the difficulty of that task. Ask for it when things seem to be overbearing and it will always arrive. In the meantime, allow that person who makes you better, who dares to laugh with you, to love you, to trust you, and feel free enough to create your own brilliant story.  

Learning and the Change that goes with it

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter”

~James Earl Jones

Defining moments in our lives are often ignited by experiences we have had that we can’t take back and often wish we could. It is difficult at times to imagine mistakes we have made, things we said, or things we have left unsaid that cause us to do one of two things; we either bury ourselves in regret and self-pity or we learn from it and change everything about our perceptions, ideas, and feelings. If a situation in your life causes you to take a true hard look inside yourself, it is your moment to grow and simply become better. Like the mystical creature “The Phoenix”, we all have an opportunity to rise from the ashes after making life’s personal blunders and come away wiser, stronger, and being sure of what we want in life. It begins with forgiveness, first of yourself and then toward the rest of the world. The opportunities to evolve will come to us throughout our lives; in many cases, especially for a man like me, it takes an enormous amount of emotion to come to that place of change. The last couple of months have brought me to that place once again and today I’m beyond grateful for it. Grateful does not necessarily mean easy or that the situation has resolved itself inside of my heart and soul; what it means is that my perceptions of everything have changed and the “growing pains” are helping to make me a better man. There has been a complete transformation in the way I view certain aspects of my life. Every second is an opportunity to turn our lives around.

The heart will be your greatest ally when you allow it to open up fully and communicate your desires to the world around you and the people who matter most in your life. Though instinct has been strength in my life, there have been times when something inside of me has created havoc when I wasn't able to fully express the truth of how I felt. There is always a bright side to failing; the biggest is the relief you may find inside of yourself when the realization hits you that change is needed to be your truest self. Once this realization hits, you have the good fortune of having the chance to shift directions if you choose to. You can make a plan and follow it like a map to the place you really want to be. It is possible to transform physically, mentally, and every other way when you’re ready or “forced” to change. For me, I now know where I want to be and there is a plan to get there. I've made some noticeable changes, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally; I will do all I can to continue on that path. For the first time in my life my vision is clear about whom to share dreams with, how to get there, and why I want to do whatever it takes to make a magical dream come true. The missteps I had made forced me to look at myself from a different perspective and realize that real courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. I didn't do that for a long time. If and when the opportunity comes, I will have that courage. Lay your cards out on the table; look inside and if opportunity doesn't come knocking right away, build a door for it and transform yourself on the other side. The door is built and is certainly unlocked.   

The Soul's Perpetual Space for Improvement

“Optimist- Someone who figures out that taking a step back after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha”~ Robert Brault

Leading up to this moment in my life everything has been perfect. From an outsiders point of view, that may not be the case; for that matter it is easy for me to look back and say my life has been anything but “perfect”. I’ve dealt with loss, incredible feelings of uncertainty and unworthiness. Untimely deaths in my family, an insane addiction to alcohol, and a constant deep fear of never being “good enough” has caused me to grow in ways I never imagined that I could. My story is not by any stretch the most horrible, nor has it been the easiest ride thus far. It is however mine, I own it and realize now more than ever that each and every experience has allowed me to become the man I am today. The latest situation in my life, which for me has been as painful as any, also has brought me to a place of optimism and pure love. The kind I wasn't sure possible for me until I felt the feelings I had to feel and was forced to dig deep inside of myself to find the small part of me that has been missing for a long time. Perhaps it wasn't “missing”, simply put, I never realized until now I have stopped myself from life’s greatest gifts because of deep seeded fears that go far back, even beyond my own memory. The good news is that this past week it all flowed out of me like lava after a bursting volcano. An eruption of emotion, pain, and love all rolled into one. I was broken in a way I’ve never been before and on the other side of that, a true and honest and pure sense of fearlessness was born. With a little direction from someone who understands this sort of thing, like I have tried to for the better part of a decade; I know that everything has been perfect and that I am now ready to taste life the way it has been intended for me. My eyes, my heart, and my soul have been awakened.

Life is a perpetual space for improvement; we can either stay comfortable or look within ourselves to reveal our deepest desires. For the first time in my life I’m certain of this, which is my deepest desire is to share everything with someone else. I've held back that part of me for reasons I cannot explain or care to even try because I believe it is impossible to do so. It hasn't been for lack of opportunity or lack of trying. For some unknown reasons I've always stopped short of completely exposing myself to life’s greatest gift, pure love and forgiveness. I’m an incredibly grateful man; I've been given the gifts of insight, of passion, of creativity, and room to grow. Now, my soul has danced with another and made me feel whole. This is the greatest “lesson” I have learned, for it forced me to reveal the things that have held me back and made me ready to move in that direction. I write often about dreams, about chasing them and being fearless; today I can see that it all becomes better when you allow another into the deepest part of you and share that dance. Today I can throw away all I have learned about love because I've actually felt it fully. In fact, I still do and it creates an optimism that I've never felt before. That is saying a lot because I am certainly a “glass overflowing” guy. My ego has been torn apart, my walls have crumbled, and a new light shines in my heart and soul. The volcano erupted, my life has been transformed and I am grateful. The beauty of it is that there is still and always will be room to improve and share everything with another.