Falling Forward

“I have spoke with the tongue of Angels, I have held the hand of the Devil” ~U2

There are days when the crisp breeze can make it feel as though we are walking along the glaciers of Antarctica and others when the sun beats down so hard it as is if the Equator is mere miles away. There is a magic in the fall season which always seems to bring out an intense array of change. Other than the clocks, the term “fall back” has never resonated much with me; it’s always better to fall forward. For that matter, when spring arrives, might as well spring forward too! With Thanksgiving right around the corner I have had some time to review some of the mistakes and missteps I have made and found reason to be thankful for them; took time and reached out to some people who have taught me lessons or brought positive influence into my life just to let them know they are being thought of. Mostly they have been folks who have not heard from me in awhile and that has been pretty awesome. That slight gesture has put smiles on the faces and in the hearts of everyone involved. There are people and situations in life we must remember to simply be grateful for, it makes everything worth while. In a year where I have learned as much about myself as any other, my entire attitude and outlook is going through a huge growth stage. A lot of alone time, sleepless nights, mixed up thoughts, and rejection have cleared the overall path to what I vow to create; the greatest life ever. Consistently falling forward makes it easier to get back up, dust yourself off and keep moving, even if you have to crawl for a time.   

After every single storm there is a clear day ahead and that is the way I try to live my life. That is an easy statement to say or even write; it is also one of the most difficult to live by. A very close friend said to me a short time ago, “it amazes me you didn't start drinking again”. For me, that wasn't an option I would consider. Instead, the other day I went to the ocean, sat there watching the waves crash ashore, allowing myself to feel the moment and release what holds me back. I let everything I was ever afraid of go out to sea in a bottle. Everyone has the ability to change, to go with life’s flow like a rafting trip down a swift moving river. There will be smooth sailing sometimes, but we are bound to hit some major bumps along the way. The trick is in realizing that you can’t change anything but how you think and feel about yourself. I lost an election that I worked really hard at and the free time allowed me to begin writing again; to follow my ultimate dream of acting. It also gave me the opportunity to study in an effort that will enhance my career and give me the freedom to get to the place I really want to go. A relationship ended that was the greatest one I've ever known. It forced me to look deep inside, challenged me, and helped me realize that not only am I good enough, but ready and able to be the man of someone’s dreams. It raised the bar for what I desire in a partner; two people powerful enough to change the world, who will empower, challenge, laugh with, and encourage each other. It will be impossible for me to ever settle for less than that. Then, recently I missed out on a role that would be perfect for me and I prepared for it more than any other to date. That disappointment knocked me for a loop but may have opened another door to write a play; I am making an attempt and welcome the creative change. The point is that we can keep taking the hits, keep getting knocked down and still fall forward. At the very least we are still able to look ahead when we fall in that direction. If we stay idle or dwell on missed opportunities, we will always be looking back. Change your perception, change your life.Throw fear into the sea or wherever you need to in order to embrace this magical journey. Remember one important thing, falling forward also means you're out there living life; making things happen!!  

Making Sense Of It ALL

Soulmates, challenges, serendipity, life on life’s terms, understanding, faith, love, and lessons; these are just a small portion of the things I have tried to make sense of lately and frankly I don’t know if it’s possible. I had correspondence recently with a writer I admire and he had some advice for me which I will try and conjure up here; basically he said I always try and drive home the things I have already nailed in my writing. I probably do that because I feel as though I have to relearn a lot of things I thought I figured out! So Mr. Brault, thank you and here’s to change!

~ For whatever reason I have always been guarded against allowing people to get close to me; the reasoning is the one you allow closest may run furthest away.

~ I think the reason I am the way I am is because of the work and introspection I have done on myself over the years. I've been doing too much of it.

~ To let go and to live in the question is not as easy for some of us as it is others; Suppose silence is the answer, eventually you will stop asking questions. 

~ Stepping out of ourselves and taking an honest look at where we are at allows us to be grateful for air we breathe, visions we see, dreams we have, and feelings we feel. You can hold your breath, close your eyes, dream new dreams; feelings are unrelenting.  

~ It’s pretty ironic that actually doing everything in your power to move forward doesn't always have you feeling that you are going anywhere.

~ Souls are invisible until right there in the flesh, their mates show up on the same bus.

~Serendipity is not a fluke.    

~There are films, books, web sites, and of course music that seem to make sense of feelings at any given moment. However, the closing credits come up on the screen or the last note is played and there we are again, trying to figure out where to go next.

~ Sharing is mathematical. Joys multiply and pains divide.

~ The four letter word that makes us weep, laugh, believe, scream in the shower, dance in the moonlight, and punch the air is LOVE. There are many other four letter words which that one causes us to mumble or whisper.

~ Dreams can start over; a cannoli and some coffee with two forks and two cups.

~ Perhaps the only thing that makes sense in life is nothing makes sense. 

Acceptance, Balance, and Change

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible; fear of failure” ~The Alchemist

Above all else, my dream is to be better. I spend a lot of time creating; writing, working on the craft of acting, and lately studying so I may be better at the job I’m truly blessed to have. With all of that comes a deep desire to share everything with someone who inspires me and I, in turn, hope to inspire. Before the beginning of the summer I tended to break my life down into three different phases, those life altering moments when something inside or even circumstances you can’t control force you to look at the world and your life differently. Accepting the things you cannot change in life are the moments when the biggest changes occur and that always happens within. Phase one of my life was when I learned some of the great lessons I have carried with me ever since. Work hard and you may surprise some people along the way. Family is family and they are never going to be perfect, love them anyway; some of life’s greatest memories are being a kid with the innocence of not “knowing any better”. Phase two began 22 years ago yesterday when my brother, my best friend, my hero was tragically taken from this world. I could not accept it and instead I began a pattern of living that would break me down in every possible way; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I spent some years after his death in a fog; a haze of destruction of which inevitably brought me to my knees. I also know that he has always been with me, likely having a hand in keeping me alive. Over the last several months he has entered in these vivid dreams directly involving my current circumstances that I could only share with very few people; he was a fighter then and that spirit lives in me. He has left me a few nickels richer! Today, I am thankful for it because I ended up at phase three; a moment of clarity in 2005 that began a new life and an opportunity to soar. I have grown a lot since then; there is no way to define the transformation that has taken place. The words gratitude, faith, and love all come to mind. In essence, I became the version of myself I was intended to be… sort of.

The fourth phase has begun and it has everything to do with balance and sharing. I had been with the person who allowed me to see that and now I know for certain what will bring me full circle; back to the innocence of “not knowing any better”. Armed with the wisdom of my experiences and the balance that was brought to me; I have been smacked awake and know with all my heart what I desire in this lifetime. There will not be anger or resentment, only love and encouragement. For many years the only real fear I had was of failing and that was an obstacle designed for me. Sure there are moments, words unspoken or spoken, choices I made that I would take back if I could; I also know where my true desires are and I’m no longer afraid to fail. Have the courage to change the things you can and have faith that the results will bring you closer to your best life. Never be afraid to lay your cards out on the table; the results won’t be up to you, but at the very least you will have stepped up and gave life a shot. For the rest of my days I will be grateful even when I don’t understand. I will be humble because I know what I can and can’t control. I will love unconditionally because forgiveness is essential to a peaceful heart. Even when it is painful, I will walk with my shoulders back and head held high knowing I did the best I could. I will send encouragement and light to those who have touched my soul no matter the distance between us. When an opportunity to change comes, I will embrace it and move forward. I will never again be afraid to fail or speak what I truly feel. I want to share everything, good and bad with a person who simply wants to understand me; I too will at least try and understand them. In this phase of development; above all else, my dream is to be better.