My younger self (and future self too)

As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

Last night at a family gathering celebrating a milestone birthday for my brother and two other birthdays, my niece and nephew, a major thought occurred to me as I spoke to my oldest nephew. I tried to teach him something I hope he will understand one day. With all I have learned through challenges, triumphs, loss, and incredible moments of clarity in my life, what would be the most important lessons I would teach my younger self or hopefully my own kids some day? When I say younger self, this can mean “younger” as in a day ago, a month ago, ten years ago, or thirty years ago. The bottom line is our individual journeys are constantly in the flow of our current beliefs in ourselves or the contradictions that force us to grow. Over the last several months I've come to trust that I am fully at peace with who I am; this after having my confidence shaken tremendously. I’m incredibly grateful that these monumental changes came to me. It’s okay for me to be a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, to be a man of determination and conviction, a man who truly believes in unconditional love and regards that over all else. I can be stubborn and loyal to a fault, tough enough to risk my life for others, yet soft enough write poetry. I've never been interested in being what others believe I should be, yet for a time I fell into that trap. I will listen to advice, I will seek wisdom. However, with all of my “advisers” and people who believe they know how I should be living and telling me how; I will trust my heart first and foremost because that is where my truth lies.

I will be brave enough to break down walls that I have built around myself in order to be the greatest man I can be. I will have enough faith in both myself and The Universe that each and every moment is perfect even when it doesn't feel that way. I will continue to give without any expectation of return. I now know that I am worthy of the greatest life possible and I want to build just that; hopefully alongside someone who makes me better, who balances out my complexities with purity and a smile that makes my heart sing. In turn, I will be the best silly, happy, loving, and compassionate guy I was created to be. I could be a rock for anyone; there is nothing this world can throw at me that I have not seen. I will provide support, love, affection, and all I can in every way because that is what my soul longs to do. I will treat people the way I want to be treated and communicate openly with those who matter most in my life. I will set out to make the world a better place humbly, respectfully, and with dignity. I will do my very best to be grateful for all that I do have and instead of dwelling on what I lack, I will work toward getting to the place I dream of being. I will kiss passionately, bask in spontaneity, love eternally and deeply. I will not be afraid to dance fast and hard no matter what I look like; I will cherish every slow dance I’m blessed enough to have, allowing my heart to melt with another. I will continue to act, to write, to create no matter how long it takes to “get it right”. I will be grateful for the surprise moments in life when my heart pounds, my body trembles, and my words flow out unmanaged. I will always have the audacity to laugh at myself when my idiotic tendencies come rushing out of me. I will never ever be afraid to tell the ones I love that I love them. I will cherish this life every moment of every day through each experience that helps create who I am. Hey, younger self, live life your way, without fear and always follow your heart! I got your back always. That goes for you too future self! What I know now, I wouldn’t change for anything! May everyone feel free enough to follow their bliss. Cheers.

Walk Like a Man or Woman

“I didn't think there would be so many steps I’d have to learn on my own”

~Bruce Springsteen

“I was young and I didn't know what to do when I saw your best steps stolen away from you; now I’ll do what I can, I’ll walk like a man”. A full decade since my father passed away, the man who always believed in me and who absolutely did the best he could with what he knew. In one way or another I have the sense that we choose the people in our lives, including our parents, siblings, family, and friends to teach us lessons throughout our journey. When we are able to delve into certain areas that hinder us, we will find freedom from these lessons. When we are open to it, others will enter our lives to help fill in the missing pieces. For years my dad knew that I was heading down a wrong path; one which he traveled himself and came around to defeat and ultimately break a cycle that kept our family intact. It is up to me now to take it all even further, to not only chase, but to realize the dreams that my heart yearns for. Truth be told, often we also learn how not to go about things from the ones we love the most. We have the ability to break patterns, to live fully and freely as we travel to our great destination. In order to fully evolve, we must first find what it is we truly want and then have the courage to face fears and obstacles to reach our bliss. It happens differently for everyone and there is magic in that; there is a mindset and purity that seems to allow for an insurmountable place of love and dedication. It is exactly where I want to be for myself and I’m more than willing to share everything I have to offer.

I can say that I’m there now, all the lessons have been taught and I’m aware of exactly how I feel even when I’m not perfectly sure how or when to express it. A guide in my life, who has taught me quite a bit over the last several years strongly brought to my attention that there are times you simply must follow your inner voice. This happened in an unconventional way because I felt as though she was telling me how I should feel about a very important situation, saying that I need more time to be ready for what my heart wants. As great as she has been, only I know how I feel and the unparalleled changes that have occurred in me over the last several months. I am ready and I trust in what my heart and soul tells me. Because of the journey that began with the loss of my dad I've grown increasingly freer over the years. I will continue to strive for freedom and unconditional love. That goes for everyone, take what you need from all sources and follow your own heart, follow your bliss. Self-discovery is a magical thing and is even better if your blessed enough to share it with a person who you believe in and believes in you. Release fear and doubt and go for your heart’s desire, there are no mistakes, only regret if you allow patterns and the influence of others to hold you back. The fall is upon us, choose to make it the way spring is supposed to be; let love blossom, take chances, feel your own unique power, and trust always what your instincts tell you. Walk the way you want to walk, talk the way you want to talk, and believe in yourself. We only got one shot to do each day right, win the day! Apart, we can be wonders of nature and together we can be forces of it. 

The MAGIC of a DECIDED HEART

“I believe in intuitions and inspirations…I sometimes “feel” that I am right. I do not “know” that I am”~ Albert Einstein

Our minds seek comfort while our hearts seek truth. Throughout our journey there will be serious crossroads when logic and passion meet and cause us to stop and reflect which direction to choose. For me, passion and intuition wins out the majority of the time and that is the beauty of risk. This is who I am and I am good with that because in the end, it is those decisions I made when it felt right that created the magical moments in my life. Of course I have made some wrong choices and learned from each of them. There is perfection in every imperfect situation; the trick is allowing yourself to see the magic in all of it. At the end of the day, when we sit still and allow ourselves to get in touch with our inner voice; the answers will come and when they are strong you’ll feel it throughout your body and any sort of logic should be tossed aside. As I sit here, having been awake for hours already I have come a magnificent decision because I’m finished gathering the outside information I needed, the “logic” that has caused a battle within me. Perhaps battle is the wrong word to use as it has really been a process. Forced to take a good hard look at what I desire in my world, every ounce of me now knows that answer. For the first time in my life, I am absolutely certain and trusting of who and what I want. All of the fears, the doubts, the questions of worthiness and readiness are completely gone from my psyche; my soul knows the answer, it always has. I just had to fully and unconditionally trust it!  

Still waters run deep, that has been “the way” for me much of my life. Today, I’d rather make a splash and go after the life I imagine, certain that I can live in the questions and let the answers flow like rolling river making its way to a fantastic destination. I had to listen for it, allow myself the freedom to discover all the things that have held me back thus far and confront them head on. When I’m at my best, I am the goofiest, most playful, caring, creative, considerate, loving, and secure person on earth. No doubt, I'm feeling that once again. The only thing that has ever kept me from that is fear when in fact there is nothing in this life to be afraid of. Right now, each of us has everything we need to create the life we imagine and be our absolute best. Take a risk with an open heart and open mind, let the chips fall where they may. Let your imagination run wild with all of your hearts desires; love passionately, work hard, dance crazily and sing loudly when you’re alone or even when you’re not. It’s an amazing revelation to find yourself skipping through a park and jumping in puddles with joyous spirit. Even if you’re not “feeling joyful”, take my word for it, you will be if you go and try it! Do things you have never done before and never ever be afraid to take someone else along for the ride. Embrace the feelings that make your heart thump, your dreams vivid, and imagination wander. In essence, we are all meant to have the light inside of us shine as bright the sun; never doubt the true freedom of being your authentic, weird, and awesome self. There is magic in a decided heart, it will cause you to change everything. Look doubt in the eye and give it the middle finger; no matter what your past has been like or future may or may not be; go ahead, skip, run, sing and dance; let your heart decide your destination.        

Lessons, Change & The innocence of Love

“We only accept the love we think we deserve”

It has finally hit me, the simple fact that it is impossible to love in the way you may want to if you’re not willing to be open enough to receive the love you deserve. First, we must happy with what we have, remind ourselves just how good we actually are instead of wanting more and losing purity in the process. We can be decision makers, intensely creative, passionately chasing dreams, and living good fulfilling lives and yet some of us will somehow forget about what is most important at the end of the day; finding time to appreciate ourselves and the people who touch us when we’re not counting on “achievements”. Throughout life, perhaps even before we are born, there are lessons we need to learn or are put on this earth strictly to be taught; other folks put here to teach us. For many, the biggest task is shaking complexities that hamper our ability to be our best self. We are perpetually growing from what we are showed by the people who touch our lives. In order to find true inner peace it is absolutely necessary to be open and available enough to love ourselves no matter where we want to go or where we have been. Throughout my life I was taught to be a fighter, to not back down, to hold things in, and never show your cards. In fact, my High School Yearbook says “Offer up your best defense, this is the end of the innocence”. In many instances that would serve me well, for I am driven and fearless when it comes most things. Then there was the whole battle within myself where I wasn't smart enough, rich enough, strong enough, and just about any other “enough” that one can think of. That led to a series of events in my life when my passion and will to be a good man guided me to conquer many things; from creating opportunities to having some successes after I surely doubted myself. Until now, the biggest victory in my life was figuring out that one day at a time I could go without feeding a disease that would be sure to kill me; which is super fantastic because I WANT TO LIVE! I want to dance (at least try to), create, travel, dream, and embrace each day. Now, what I know is that I’m not only “good enough”, but I want pure and unconditional love in my life and I deserve it, everybody does. It has been the toughest lesson of all because those complexities within me shielded me from receiving it from the person put here to finally show it to me. She made an incredibly brave decision that challenged me and forced me to finally see that missing part of myself. There are not enough words in the dictionary to show or say how grateful I am for that. In teaching me that lesson, nobody is more worthy of unconditional love than her; she is magical because I’m a tough nut to crack! Everyone deserves happiness and it is up to each of us to make the choice to look far enough within ourselves to empower it if that’s what you truly desire. I always wanted love, but I also used ridiculous fears to prevent me from fully receiving it until I was ready to learn the lesson and the right soul was placed in my complex world to teach me. Anyone lucky enough to find that in their lives, I truly hope you see it while it’s there in front of you; that you embrace it and return the magical lessons you're learning.  

Every one of us is like a seed that needs to be nurtured and watered and fed sunlight to grow. There are people who will teach us a great deal in life about how and sometimes how not to be. I have to believe that everyone from our parents, siblings, friends, lovers, and even strangers impact our lives in some way that guided us to our current situation. Mostly though, our own experiences are what mold us. That makes us teachers as well as the ones who need to be taught. It’s a beautiful thing to be both and share it all with the world and those who matter most in our lives. Lessons never end, there are great ones and tough ones; but life will only get better if you let it. I've spent a whole lot of time looking inside to see what drives me, what makes me tick; acting, writing, creating, reading, meditation and physical exercise are just some of the ways and it has served me well. Lately it has been a lot of reading, writing (trying all kinds), driving, getting with nature, and doing whatever I can to quiet a very active mind. There have been many breakthroughs for me and if it could happen to me, it could certainly happen to anyone. Once you are free of your most inner fears, you will then, without even trying, allow everyone around you to feel the same way. My heart is a difficult one to hold, but it’s open and trusting at the moment. Those who are happiest and most content seem to be the ones who learned these lessons already. We are all learning at our own pace, in the exact time we are supposed to. Everything changes, so long as we are willing to open up and try to see things through a different pair of lenses; take the good lessons with the bad ones and do your best to let down your defenses and be available for life’s richest rewards. Trust the whole puzzle will one day come together, that the perfect connectors will find their way into or back into your world, whatever the case may be. If they come back, you will have both learned from each other and you will become greater than ever before. When your heart and soul are open to the gift, it is much more difficult to believe that it will not. Take the nourishment and the sunlight when it is fed to you; allow your amazing life to grow perfectly with the innocence of love.      

The Value of Laughter & Three Tough Words

“To me there is nothing more sacred than love and laughter, there is nothing more prayerful than playfulness” ~Osho

As I entered the room of about eight people, ready to give the decision makers the best audition I possibly could, someone asked me; “Did you hear about Robin Williams”? News was just beginning to spread about the death of one of my idols. What happened? Nobody will ever know what was going through his mind at that moment; there will be speculation and “expert” analysis in the media and hopefully a Universal awareness and movement toward empathy. The guy who made millions laugh and entertained us unlike any before or likely will again had fallen victim to the three hardest words in our language; “I need help”. It hit me pretty hard; I asked for a couple minutes to process it and went ahead with the audition a few minutes later. I went home and watched Mr. Williams dazzle a room full of acting students and all I could see was his gifts that he so freely shared with all of us. I laughed and laughed hard, it felt good. My admiration for him will never waver and now more than ever, I can appreciate his talent and empathize with his demons; I’ve knocked out a few of my own in my time. I also understand what it is like to try and please “the masses” and lose part of my personal playful spirit in the process. I have made a vow to myself to not let that happen again because when all is said and done, it is the personal relationships we build, the laughter we share with those closest to us that keep us alive. Several weeks ago, having a difficult time with a situation in my life and then possibly making a mistake in trying to resolve it, I made a call to friend and told him that I needed help; three very difficult words to drum up when you’re an independent and self-sufficient person with a lot to be grateful for. However, he dropped what he was doing and agreed to meet up for dinner and a new process began. Within seconds after hanging up the phone is when the “volcano” erupted inside me. A couple days later I met with a person who has, over the years, guided me in a great direction and there appears to be tons of laughter on the horizon all because I stripped myself of pride and asked for help.

The following day another idol of mine passed away, an idol for a completely different reason. Lauren Bacall, who was once the young, energetic, independent, and life loving woman who humanized the great Humphrey Bogart passed away. Together, their playful spirit and timeless love is something to be admired by everyone. “Bogey became a little more giggly because of her” is a quote that I read about them and it really hits home for me. They were playful and full of laughter and that made for a sacred bond that was beautiful. She was mature beyond her years and never ever took a back seat to him. By all accounts, she made him a better man, a more open and free person no matter where they stood individually. She lived a great life and had a wonderful career in her own right, I read her book a few years ago and it inspired me greatly. I’m not one to overemphasize celebrity couples or love stories, but this one was different, the kind to aspire to. It’s easy to see in pictures of them that there was no place they would rather be than together and I’m certain they are again. Of course, I am also sure that they had to work some stuff out together and that is the magic of it. Age does not necessarily protect you from love and passion, however, I bet that it does work the other way around. Those two “mega stars” were far from perfect individually, together however, they created one of the great stories of all time. So there we have it, laughter will inspire us to do great things and also may cause us to hide some things we need to address. I do wish Robin Williams had the courage to ask for help and I completely understand the difficulty of that task. Ask for it when things seem to be overbearing and it will always arrive. In the meantime, allow that person who makes you better, who dares to laugh with you, to love you, to trust you, and feel free enough to create your own brilliant story.  

Learning and the Change that goes with it

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter”

~James Earl Jones

Defining moments in our lives are often ignited by experiences we have had that we can’t take back and often wish we could. It is difficult at times to imagine mistakes we have made, things we said, or things we have left unsaid that cause us to do one of two things; we either bury ourselves in regret and self-pity or we learn from it and change everything about our perceptions, ideas, and feelings. If a situation in your life causes you to take a true hard look inside yourself, it is your moment to grow and simply become better. Like the mystical creature “The Phoenix”, we all have an opportunity to rise from the ashes after making life’s personal blunders and come away wiser, stronger, and being sure of what we want in life. It begins with forgiveness, first of yourself and then toward the rest of the world. The opportunities to evolve will come to us throughout our lives; in many cases, especially for a man like me, it takes an enormous amount of emotion to come to that place of change. The last couple of months have brought me to that place once again and today I’m beyond grateful for it. Grateful does not necessarily mean easy or that the situation has resolved itself inside of my heart and soul; what it means is that my perceptions of everything have changed and the “growing pains” are helping to make me a better man. There has been a complete transformation in the way I view certain aspects of my life. Every second is an opportunity to turn our lives around.

The heart will be your greatest ally when you allow it to open up fully and communicate your desires to the world around you and the people who matter most in your life. Though instinct has been strength in my life, there have been times when something inside of me has created havoc when I wasn't able to fully express the truth of how I felt. There is always a bright side to failing; the biggest is the relief you may find inside of yourself when the realization hits you that change is needed to be your truest self. Once this realization hits, you have the good fortune of having the chance to shift directions if you choose to. You can make a plan and follow it like a map to the place you really want to be. It is possible to transform physically, mentally, and every other way when you’re ready or “forced” to change. For me, I now know where I want to be and there is a plan to get there. I've made some noticeable changes, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally; I will do all I can to continue on that path. For the first time in my life my vision is clear about whom to share dreams with, how to get there, and why I want to do whatever it takes to make a magical dream come true. The missteps I had made forced me to look at myself from a different perspective and realize that real courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. I didn't do that for a long time. If and when the opportunity comes, I will have that courage. Lay your cards out on the table; look inside and if opportunity doesn't come knocking right away, build a door for it and transform yourself on the other side. The door is built and is certainly unlocked.   

The Soul's Perpetual Space for Improvement

“Optimist- Someone who figures out that taking a step back after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha”~ Robert Brault

Leading up to this moment in my life everything has been perfect. From an outsiders point of view, that may not be the case; for that matter it is easy for me to look back and say my life has been anything but “perfect”. I’ve dealt with loss, incredible feelings of uncertainty and unworthiness. Untimely deaths in my family, an insane addiction to alcohol, and a constant deep fear of never being “good enough” has caused me to grow in ways I never imagined that I could. My story is not by any stretch the most horrible, nor has it been the easiest ride thus far. It is however mine, I own it and realize now more than ever that each and every experience has allowed me to become the man I am today. The latest situation in my life, which for me has been as painful as any, also has brought me to a place of optimism and pure love. The kind I wasn't sure possible for me until I felt the feelings I had to feel and was forced to dig deep inside of myself to find the small part of me that has been missing for a long time. Perhaps it wasn't “missing”, simply put, I never realized until now I have stopped myself from life’s greatest gifts because of deep seeded fears that go far back, even beyond my own memory. The good news is that this past week it all flowed out of me like lava after a bursting volcano. An eruption of emotion, pain, and love all rolled into one. I was broken in a way I’ve never been before and on the other side of that, a true and honest and pure sense of fearlessness was born. With a little direction from someone who understands this sort of thing, like I have tried to for the better part of a decade; I know that everything has been perfect and that I am now ready to taste life the way it has been intended for me. My eyes, my heart, and my soul have been awakened.

Life is a perpetual space for improvement; we can either stay comfortable or look within ourselves to reveal our deepest desires. For the first time in my life I’m certain of this, which is my deepest desire is to share everything with someone else. I've held back that part of me for reasons I cannot explain or care to even try because I believe it is impossible to do so. It hasn't been for lack of opportunity or lack of trying. For some unknown reasons I've always stopped short of completely exposing myself to life’s greatest gift, pure love and forgiveness. I’m an incredibly grateful man; I've been given the gifts of insight, of passion, of creativity, and room to grow. Now, my soul has danced with another and made me feel whole. This is the greatest “lesson” I have learned, for it forced me to reveal the things that have held me back and made me ready to move in that direction. I write often about dreams, about chasing them and being fearless; today I can see that it all becomes better when you allow another into the deepest part of you and share that dance. Today I can throw away all I have learned about love because I've actually felt it fully. In fact, I still do and it creates an optimism that I've never felt before. That is saying a lot because I am certainly a “glass overflowing” guy. My ego has been torn apart, my walls have crumbled, and a new light shines in my heart and soul. The volcano erupted, my life has been transformed and I am grateful. The beauty of it is that there is still and always will be room to improve and share everything with another.