“Optimist- Someone who figures out
that taking a step back after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a
cha-cha”~ Robert Brault
Leading up
to this moment in my life everything has been perfect. From an outsiders point
of view, that may not be the case; for that matter it is easy for me to look
back and say my life has been anything but “perfect”. I’ve dealt with loss, incredible
feelings of uncertainty and unworthiness. Untimely deaths in my family, an
insane addiction to alcohol, and a constant deep fear of never being “good
enough” has caused me to grow in ways I never imagined that I could. My story
is not by any stretch the most horrible, nor has it been the easiest ride thus
far. It is however mine, I own it and realize now more than ever that each and
every experience has allowed me to become the man I am today. The latest situation
in my life, which for me has been as painful as any, also has brought me to a
place of optimism and pure love. The kind I wasn't sure possible for me until I
felt the feelings I had to feel and was forced to dig deep inside of myself to
find the small part of me that has been missing for a long time. Perhaps it wasn't “missing”, simply put, I never realized until now I have stopped myself
from life’s greatest gifts because of deep seeded fears that go far back, even
beyond my own memory. The good news is that this past week it all flowed out of
me like lava after a bursting volcano. An eruption of emotion, pain, and love
all rolled into one. I was broken in a way I’ve never been before and on the
other side of that, a true and honest and pure sense of fearlessness was born.
With a little direction from someone who understands this sort of thing, like I have tried to for the better part of a decade; I know that everything has
been perfect and that I am now ready to taste life the way it has been intended
for me. My eyes, my heart, and my soul have been awakened.
Life is a
perpetual space for improvement; we can either stay comfortable or look within
ourselves to reveal our deepest desires. For the first time in my life I’m
certain of this, which is my deepest desire is to share everything with someone
else. I've held back that part of me for reasons I cannot explain or care to
even try because I believe it is impossible to do so. It hasn't been for lack
of opportunity or lack of trying. For some unknown reasons I've always stopped
short of completely exposing myself to life’s greatest gift, pure love and
forgiveness. I’m an incredibly grateful man; I've been given the gifts of
insight, of passion, of creativity, and room to grow. Now, my soul has danced with
another and made me feel whole. This is the greatest “lesson” I have learned,
for it forced me to reveal the things that have held me back and made me ready
to move in that direction. I write often about dreams, about chasing them and
being fearless; today I can see that it all becomes better when you allow another
into the deepest part of you and share that dance. Today I can throw away all I
have learned about love because I've actually felt it fully. In fact, I still
do and it creates an optimism that I've never felt before. That is saying a lot
because I am certainly a “glass overflowing” guy. My ego has been torn apart,
my walls have crumbled, and a new light shines in my heart and soul. The
volcano erupted, my life has been transformed and I am grateful. The beauty of
it is that there is still and always will be room to improve and share everything with
another.
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