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“The hard part is pretending not to give a fuck when you really do. The worst part is trying to close your heart when its doors have been blown to pieces”

R.M. Drake

Today I consider myself to be a very blessed man. Having just returned from a productive trip across the country where it’s quite possible many of my biggest dreams will soon come true. Grateful to have a life that gives me that opportunity; enjoying the work I do now which allows me to follow my passions, create possibilities, and meet people who are decision makers in both of my chosen fields. I’ve learned more about myself over the past three years than I have in my entire existence; the high of incredible joy that a fulfilling and loving connection can bring to your life, as well as the pain of transforming after that connection is no longer there.

Historically, I would find ways to blanket that pain whether by substance or simply denying myself to feel anything. I have, instead, made a decision to feel every feeling and make it my life’s mission to turn my experiences into love and art, becoming the man I always intended to be. Even the most independent, powerful, experienced, and strong people can be turned upside down at some point in their lives. For many, like me, perhaps this happens several times and we have to keep on digging inside of ourselves to discover our human frailties. To expose our weaknesses in order to reconstruct the things we have learned and turn them into our strength. I’ve learned the importance of connection, to be able to share your desires, fears, mistakes, and triumphs with someone is an intense human need that until now, I never realized or at least admitted. For some, this kind of realization comes early and easily in life; to those folks I admire and applaud them and more importantly, thank the ones I’ve let into my life to show me. To an even greater extent, the ones who I have seen come out the other side of their own challenges and opened up to me. Life works moment to moment, the past is behind us and the future is uncertain, the great lesson is to understand what we have power over and what we absolutely do not. We find home in the moments when we can forgive and look at another with joy, comfort, and understanding each other’s frailties. It has nothing to do with the place we are in life, where we live, or the way we make a living. There is a port for every ship and it comes in the form of human and soul connections.

I sat across from a good friend at a coffee shop near the beach in California; she is insanely successful as an artist, but even more importantly, she looks at life with a great passion that inspires me. We spoke of the slight adjustments in our outlook that makes the difference between feeling comfort and being overwhelmed with doubt and fear. Everyone, no matter how “successful” or seemingly “together” they may be, has something, some hurdle to overcome in order to feel at ease. We spoke clearly and concisely about these things and learned a whole lot about each other. Life really is fantastic when moments like that occur! I believed I was in that place of ease. Then I met the person who will forever have changed that for me. Forced me to look hard at myself and realize both the beautiful parts of me as well as the parts that needed healing. Today I’m grateful for all of it. Through that connection I learned that I am lovable, we all are. I also learned just how vulnerable I could be, we all should allow it. In this moment I’m not afraid to put myself on the line in order to chase dreams and live the best life possible. My life is far from set, anything and everything can happen in an instant. There is nothing more powerful than a connection that changes us; that allows two independent souls to change the world together. It can happen in a way which society sees as big or in subtle ways like creating a family in which we teach our children from our own mishaps or simply learning a great lesson. Today, I will be open to constructing life’s puzzle; allowing the pieces to fall where they may and putting them in place. Some will fit and some will not and that’s cool; at the end of the day I will know to be open and available and hopeful. I’ll find my home. We all will.