BORN TO RUN

“Together we can live with the sadness, I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul~ Someday girl, I don’t know when, we’re gonna get to that place we really want to go, we’ll walk in the sun, until then~ Tramps like us, baby we were Born to Run” ~Springsteen

I don’t remember the date exactly when I heard Bruce was writing the story of his life, I do recall feeling excited though. For as long as I can remember, since my brother Kevin took me to my first concert, I’ve always been excited when a new album was coming out! For me (and countless others), the music he has created over his career has been like having a mentor, friend, shrink, and companion behind speakers both big and small. I like pretty much all music and have many other artists I truly enjoy listening to; but when the shit hits the fan in my head or my heart, Bruce is where I turn. After Kevin died there would be long drives listening to THE RIVER, BORN TO RUN, NEBRASKA, or DARKNESS. I would drive miles and miles upon hours and hours of listening, feeling, and wondering how to navigate through this crazy life. Then there are the live shows, each one a monumental experience of the brilliance the world provides. For 3 or 4 hours and usually days after there is this inexplicable euphoria that comes over me; it began as BORN IN THE USA shook the rafters of Giants Stadium at the first of many shows I would (and will certainly continue to) see. The E Street Band that day, brought a new found hope to a young kid that was full of angst and was in search of something that would bring me joy, passion, hope, and possibly even an understanding of the stuff I feel inside; Bruce has been doing that for me for a long time. According to “Born to Run”, the book, the concerts have been Bruce’s place to find those very same things. We see him and he sees us and that is a connection very few artists bring to their audience.

Bruce has the ability to put himself in someone else’s shoes in a way not many other artists can. As a Fireman, the chilling way he is able to feel what it must be like to be ascending those stairs in THE RISING wearing “the cross of my calling” is remarkable. He has never, as far as I know entered a burning building, but he senses it and tells the story in a very real and sensitive way. Needless to say, as a writer I anxiously awaited the delivery of the book; for as much as the music has brought to me I simply knew this would help me to connect to the artist in a new and profound way, it didn’t disappoint!

508 pages read in a matter of three days, I couldn’t put it down; there I was going through all my memories of the music and what it meant during different aspects of my life. By myself in my apartment, I experienced moments of laughter and flat out wails of crying as Bruce writes so poetically of his imagination running wild as kid or his connection to a family life he believed to be so different than anyone else’s. Sounds and smells of childhood mornings as his mom got ready for work and the need to try and impress his dad (in my case my older brothers as well). His decision of moving to California as I strongly contemplate this very move was an eye opener to say the least, the final decision to stay connected to his roots in Jersey, however sorted they may have been for him, makes a whole lot of sense at this point in my life. Bruce is so generous and open throughout the book that it’s a must read even if you’re not a “fan”. One of the biggest rock stars and artists on planet earth has struggles to overcome and real life anxiety that anyone could own. No doubt he has also had success and incredibly joyous moments that few experience, but all of it comes to fruition in a very human way. He puts it out there in such a way that you feel like you’re having a long conversation with your closest friend.

My eyes welled with tears as I read about his experience of realizing the world was closing in on him in Texas. He writes, “All I know is as we age the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier… much heavier”. For me, over a decade ago a similar experience happened and I had to take a good long look in the mirror to change everything, to break free from the demons that had a grip on my soul and caused nothing but despair. I was able to overcome alcoholism and that was the beginning of a new life. That’s not to say I haven’t had other battles since then, the “baggage” I carried was immense and I’m still processing and letting it fall every single day. Through my own decision to see a therapist and search of family history I’ve discovered parts of me that took a long time to comprehend and I could not be more grateful. The outsider in me caused me to retreat from the most pure and loving relationship I’d ever known; today I know I’ve done my best and that my half of the dream is alive. When the other half shows up, I'll be ready and willing to explore! I live a very rewarding life, because of that experience I’m now open to delving into life’s journey, not only as an individual chasing dreams, but as part of the bigger picture; a basic and strong need for connection, for love and forgiveness and healing. A connection that will one day bring me a family and sense of security all the while, basking in the moments of silliness, of passion, and creativity; this life holds all of these aspects and now I understand why Bruce Springsteen has been along with me for the ride all these years. It really “ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive!” 

The Taste (of the soul)

Amid the chaos in my head I'm certain of this; I long for that feeling again~
Devastating memories erased,
Joys of your laugh linger.
I'm better now, opened wide to allow all light to shine in. Walls crumbled all around me~ we can move we can dance, we can dream; conquer deepest fears. Heart to heart, face to face; sweet destiny reach for my hands as they are connected to my soul.

In your eyes I felt it,
A thousand times before we ever met.
I knew when you ran away that something would bring us back,
It didn't take long, or perhaps it was a sign.
As the rain poured down, it was magical sweetness I tasted on your lips; a flavor embedded in my my soul. I couldn't leave. Knowing then that your touch was what I longed for in eternity. Two powerful forces in the midst of uncertainty about tomorrow. As we grew closer, tears coming down our faces and we spoke words neither of us had ever uttered; so meaningful, so surreal. The salt of your body on my tongue never seems to vanish. I got a taste.

Monumental possibilities between us, unstoppable~ I wasn't going to run away even though my own insecurities slowed me down. I can't take it back, I tried, I want that taste again because in it I found my bliss. My wholeness. Delightful in every way. That doesn't mean it'd all be easy, I can only speak for myself; if it means to fight, to wait, to change, to let go, or dream~ I will taste it again, the succulent taste of love.

Inside your body lies the summit so hard to reach, faith restored in the depths of of still waters I worked so hard to preserve. The only world to conquer is ours; that place where our souls once danced together~ time and space have proved to me there's only one body I need to delve in, to touch, to hold and protect~ I got a taste.

The Mountain

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be able to decide what is best for you” ~ Oprah Winfrey

As the plane began its descend, I was in awe of the enormity of the Mountains; seemingly out of nowhere they take over the earth, majestically transforming the landscape into a heavenly feast for the eyes. For the first time in a very long time I chose a window seat on my flight; heading to Colorado, I wanted the full experience of seeing the snowcapped Rocky Mountains from the air. I was traveling to this magnificent place in the middle of the country with some guys I started my career with several years back, to celebrate one of them taking a major life step. At work, I have to trust these guys with my life, on this trip I had to trust that they would understand that my way of “letting loose” is different than theirs and I would spend a good portion of the trip out on my own exploring the beauty of the land and visiting other life-long  friends. I wanted write, to climb, to fill up with the “good stuff” that nature provides. I was able to do all these things, taking in each moment to unfold more of my soul and what certain aspects of life mean; love, friendship, adventure, and of course dreaming of the life I plan to live.

It was once said to me that my life is “set”. This may not seem like a big deal to many, but for me those words pierced through my heart like a shard of glass coming down from the heavens; a wound was opened unlike any other prior to that time in my life. It came at a time when, in all actuality, I was striving to move ahead, but at a crossroads of sorts about old ideas and lifelong fears that held me back from the most important things in life. Our lives are never ever “set”, there is no such thing. This would mean either that we are absolutely certain of our future or that our past has dictated where we’ll stay. To add to that, my dreams are big and for the most part will eventually move me away from where I currently am; it’s simply a bonus that I’m in a good place right now. It’s my belief that we can know exactly where we intend to go and do the things we set out to do; only we can never be sure just how it will all unravel. My friends and I sat down in a six person raft with an idea of going with the flow of the river, eventually reaching our destination. Sometimes we would really have to work, paddling extra hard because the weight we were carrying caused our vessel to get stuck on more rocks than others. Eight rafts took the trip and it was only ours where, including me, people were thrown out and into the river to fend for ourselves until we were pulled back in. Large slippery rocks, powerful current and frigid waters are the main physical obstacles to get back in the boat; by far, the biggest interference is fear of letting yourself simply drift along until you reach the folks who will pull you back aboard. Believe in the current as well as your own survival skills and you will drift freely to the place you need to be. Even the strongest swimmers cannot fight the rush of water Mother Nature provides, so you simply have to let go, breathe, and allow it to take you to that place where someone will pull you safely back in. Therein lies the beauty, a hand to reach out to after moving through obstacles and releasing all your fears.

“To live for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain that sustains life, not the top”. The following day these words from Robert M. Pirsig rang over and over in my mind as I climbed up in the snowcapped mountains that seemed imaginary as the plane was landing in Colorado. This was part of the trip that I’d have to explore on my own. No doubt I feel as though this kind of adventure is enhanced tremendously when shared with another; however, I wasn’t going to wait for that to happen, the moment was now. I’ve spent a lot of time traveling in the past year and a half; from coast to coast, oceans and mountains, rivers, beaches, and cities. I’ve met all sorts of interesting people along the way. Conversations with an array of folks including friends I haven’t seen in years, fellow writers, Firefighters, lost souls and insanely successful actors, artists and musicians. We are all connected to what the side of the mountain represents; a journey filled with joys and sorrows, victories and defeats, laughter and tears. We choose trails and we climb, is it better to keep your head down and charge up the hill without regard of the life happening around you? Or, is it better to be aware of the sprouting wildlife, of the colors, of the gentle streams and fallen trees? One way or the other we all experience what the mountain has in store for us, either as we enjoy our ascension or as we tumble back down. I’ve fallen down many times. I've crossed paths with those who have taught me about life, about themselves, and most importantly, myself. Whichever trail you choose, take it all in, spontaneously jump on a rock and scream to the world that “I feel great”!! When your path crosses with somebody looking to go where you want to go, sing, dance, and explore everything along the way. The top isn’t as lonely when you get there side by side. If in fact you have to go it alone, remember to be aware of the life around you and treat it well. The journey to the top is filled with magical moments.        

Angel on the Trail

“Sometimes people don’t need advice; all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them” ~Unknown

I sat silently in the middle of a stream listening to sounds of the waterfall at the bottom of a steep embankment along the trail. I could feel the tiny drops splashing on my arms and face, the day wasn’t super-hot by any means, but the droplets are refreshing and remind me of the infinite source of nature; though my mind which always seems to be racing was again full of thoughts, stillness in this moment allowed my awareness to increase.

My eyes were closed and sunlight that shone through the trees was warm on my face. There is a certain grace you feel in nature as the outside world moves at a pace difficult to keep up with. I felt a presence descending down toward the stream and opened my eyes to see a woman making her way down. She was certainly in shape and fearlessly navigating her way down the hill; this has to be a spot she frequents. I did my very best not to stare at her as she gathered rocks around the stream, stacking them on top of a much a larger rock to form a tower. This was quite intriguing to me. After several minutes of this she waved at me, her smile inviting and at ease. I decided to approach her; curiosity as well as this woman’s approachable nature guided me toward her.

“What is it that you’re doing?” I asked. Her reply was carefully thought out, though it also seemed as if she wanted to use the right words so that I would understand. “It’s spiritual, for a few minutes I concentrate on balancing the rocks and it centers me”. I smiled an understanding smile she continued; “Does your mind ever race? Go a little crazy with thoughts you can’t seem to stop?” She was speaking my language now! The woman kept on, “Building the tower with rocks forces you to slow down for a few minutes and start over”. With that, she topped off her rock tower and told me she needed to go pick up her daughter. I thanked her and watched as she ascended the embankment back up toward the trail. She was half way up the hill when she turned to me and said “you should probably try it”. Indeed I would.

The next day I was back at the trail, heading toward the waterfall determined to build my own tower near the one that was created by the woman a day earlier. To my surprise it was knocked down. At first I was pissed off because, well, who would knock it down? It’s a tough hike just to get to that place and she searched for all those rocks to build with. Then it came to me, as I built my own tower on a different large rock that sometimes things need to be knocked down. The large rocks were the foundation that could constantly be used to rebuild new towers and new ideas. We could create or construct anything as long as there is a solid foundation to work with. We can be knocked down, even stay down for a while, but as long as at the base of our hearts there is good and love and understanding, there is always a shot at reconstruction. You just have to be willing to jump off the cliff or descend a steep embankment to begin building again. Relationships, friendships, recovering from addictions, healing old wounds, or simply knowing ourselves better begin with the solid foundation of love. 

We have to create our own towers and perhaps along the way someone will come along who is interested, who understands, who would like to build something too. The climb back to the trail, to the top of the world will be something that is nurtured and earned. We will know new freedom and happiness and above all know that we can keep building our dreams, our relationships, and our lives. Angels are everywhere when we’re open to hearing them.    

The Park

“Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million Universes” ~Walt Whitman

I sat silently at the foot of a lake at the foot of a mountain recently; my plan was to simply hike the mountain. To find my way through the day and take in the life nature provides. I’d been having some struggles with writing and exercising my body has become an integral part of my existence, doing what I can to “turn back the clock”! In reality though, this is truly my way of staying in the moment to keep past and future worries from consuming me. I ended up stopping at a bench and writing for the first time in a while; what came over me was the realization of a million tiny Universes that keeps us all connected. The reflection of the mountain on the glass-like surface of the lake had me admiring the perfection of that moment, a man among the world in constant motion. Deep inside this magical place a squirrel is looking for a mate, a bear cub is learning how it will survive, and likely there were fawn playing around chasing each other. Streams constantly flow to find their destination, at times they are full and other times close to dry, just like life. There are picture perfect days and there are storms, both of which always pass. After some time, I hiked the mountain, all the way to the top and back, navigating my way over and through the terrain with an open heart and new found appreciation for connection.

The following day I made my way to this park I like to run because of the different stations to do other exercises. There’s a nice pond with a dam and ducks and on many days, families of turtles hanging out. Something was different this time; things that have always touched me seemed to reach me in a deeper place. Walking past the elderly couples holding hands as they sat on the bench, maybe their bodies weren’t able to do all the things they once did, however hearts were very much alive. Peace in their eyes and a hand to hold onto. Wondering in my mind exactly how this moment came to be for these folks, all the challenges and terrain they had to go through in their journey to have that look of contentment. I jogged past the area of the playground where kids were running around and parents watched with protecting eyes. As if worrying about bills, jobs, relationships, or really anything else didn’t matter. At least while they were there, honoring their young, allowing them to feel free. The thought came to me that one day, I will tell my own kids to dream big, play, explore, and soar. I will never put a limit on just how far they want to go. At yet another area I was jumping rope, kind of like a kid myself. A young couple began to work out together, laughing yet serious about the task at hand, which was keeping in shape, simply awesome. I hope that they left the park to share some ice cream or a pizza! Hey, we only got one life~ let’s live it! As I took all this in, a million Universes developing within our lifetime, an intense feeling came over me that the truth of world is we all need connection. For a very long time it was my belief that it was only a “want” in our lives. This way of thinking likely blocked me from fully having the confidence in myself to open up to my real purpose. I’m not certain of tomorrow; I know I have big dreams and a lot to offer someone and the world. Perhaps I’m a slow learner, but I’m grateful for the lessons I needed to learn in order to know exactly what my heart desires, in fact, needs. In that connection, two souls could stand cool and composed before a million Universes.     

HOME

“The hard part is pretending not to give a fuck when you really do. The worst part is trying to close your heart when its doors have been blown to pieces”

R.M. Drake

Today I consider myself to be a very blessed man. Having just returned from a productive trip across the country where it’s quite possible many of my biggest dreams will soon come true. Grateful to have a life that gives me that opportunity; enjoying the work I do now which allows me to follow my passions, create possibilities, and meet people who are decision makers in both of my chosen fields. I’ve learned more about myself over the past three years than I have in my entire existence; the high of incredible joy that a fulfilling and loving connection can bring to your life, as well as the pain of transforming after that connection is no longer there.

Historically, I would find ways to blanket that pain whether by substance or simply denying myself to feel anything. I have, instead, made a decision to feel every feeling and make it my life’s mission to turn my experiences into love and art, becoming the man I always intended to be. Even the most independent, powerful, experienced, and strong people can be turned upside down at some point in their lives. For many, like me, perhaps this happens several times and we have to keep on digging inside of ourselves to discover our human frailties. To expose our weaknesses in order to reconstruct the things we have learned and turn them into our strength. I’ve learned the importance of connection, to be able to share your desires, fears, mistakes, and triumphs with someone is an intense human need that until now, I never realized or at least admitted. For some, this kind of realization comes early and easily in life; to those folks I admire and applaud them and more importantly, thank the ones I’ve let into my life to show me. To an even greater extent, the ones who I have seen come out the other side of their own challenges and opened up to me. Life works moment to moment, the past is behind us and the future is uncertain, the great lesson is to understand what we have power over and what we absolutely do not. We find home in the moments when we can forgive and look at another with joy, comfort, and understanding each other’s frailties. It has nothing to do with the place we are in life, where we live, or the way we make a living. There is a port for every ship and it comes in the form of human and soul connections.

I sat across from a good friend at a coffee shop near the beach in California; she is insanely successful as an artist, but even more importantly, she looks at life with a great passion that inspires me. We spoke of the slight adjustments in our outlook that makes the difference between feeling comfort and being overwhelmed with doubt and fear. Everyone, no matter how “successful” or seemingly “together” they may be, has something, some hurdle to overcome in order to feel at ease. We spoke clearly and concisely about these things and learned a whole lot about each other. Life really is fantastic when moments like that occur! I believed I was in that place of ease. Then I met the person who will forever have changed that for me. Forced me to look hard at myself and realize both the beautiful parts of me as well as the parts that needed healing. Today I’m grateful for all of it. Through that connection I learned that I am lovable, we all are. I also learned just how vulnerable I could be, we all should allow it. In this moment I’m not afraid to put myself on the line in order to chase dreams and live the best life possible. My life is far from set, anything and everything can happen in an instant. There is nothing more powerful than a connection that changes us; that allows two independent souls to change the world together. It can happen in a way which society sees as big or in subtle ways like creating a family in which we teach our children from our own mishaps or simply learning a great lesson. Today, I will be open to constructing life’s puzzle; allowing the pieces to fall where they may and putting them in place. Some will fit and some will not and that’s cool; at the end of the day I will know to be open and available and hopeful. I’ll find my home. We all will.  

UNDERSTANDING

“These times are so uncertain, a yearning undefined and people filled with rage. We all need a little tenderness; how can love survive in such a graceless age?” ~Don Henley

Today I write from the place of forgiveness, simply the greatest place in The Universe. Life’s relationships, situations, events, and moments will help to shape us into the people we will become. It is a perpetual journey of discovery and learning. Often enough, our own uncertainty about the thoughts and feelings within our minds and hearts will have us either running away or diving into life in order to live it fully. We will make mistakes and we will make judgments to look back on and learn from. The super part of looking back is it gives us the opportunity to grow so long as we make an effort, in this moment, to be better than yesterday.

I have had a hard time writing this blog for several months as I’ve been working through a huge discovery within myself. I felt as though I was being “judged” and once again, in my life full of lessons, I had to take a good hard look, not so much of choices I made, but of feelings that I never allowed myself to feel. What I did discover is that I’M ALIVE and each and every challenge life has thrown at me has given me the ability to forgive and at least attempt to understand others, myself, and my desires. I traveled and have a rejuvenated fondness of nature. I’m now in position to make some really big choices about what I want to do, where I want to be and the type of person I want to be with. Decisions that I will trust to be the right ones, which will take me exactly to the place I’m supposed to be. The more open I become to life’s possibilities, the more other people have been opening up to me. Some people have confessed to me very personal struggles they are going through; when we are able to come out the other side of our own challenges we become available to understand others and be a source of comfort and encouragement. To be able to empathize and guide others brings us closer to our purpose, which is forgiveness and understanding.  

Today, I am aware of my fears and I embrace them momentarily so that I can let them go. My mind along with my heart is open enough to start over and more importantly forgive myself and everyone else. Today, I can walk through the fire with confidence that my life will be full and I have had the opportunity to make the lives of others just a little bit better. I’m going to laugh, do things I’ve never done, embrace the world, and love with all the madness in my soul. I hope beyond hope that everyone finds their way and when they do; that they will be challenged again so life doesn’t get too easy. I want everyone to find the beauty in sharing their independence with another. I want people to create the world they imagine around them and within them. It won’t always be easy, this I understand.