The Value of Laughter & Three Tough Words

“To me there is nothing more sacred than love and laughter, there is nothing more prayerful than playfulness” ~Osho

As I entered the room of about eight people, ready to give the decision makers the best audition I possibly could, someone asked me; “Did you hear about Robin Williams”? News was just beginning to spread about the death of one of my idols. What happened? Nobody will ever know what was going through his mind at that moment; there will be speculation and “expert” analysis in the media and hopefully a Universal awareness and movement toward empathy. The guy who made millions laugh and entertained us unlike any before or likely will again had fallen victim to the three hardest words in our language; “I need help”. It hit me pretty hard; I asked for a couple minutes to process it and went ahead with the audition a few minutes later. I went home and watched Mr. Williams dazzle a room full of acting students and all I could see was his gifts that he so freely shared with all of us. I laughed and laughed hard, it felt good. My admiration for him will never waver and now more than ever, I can appreciate his talent and empathize with his demons; I’ve knocked out a few of my own in my time. I also understand what it is like to try and please “the masses” and lose part of my personal playful spirit in the process. I have made a vow to myself to not let that happen again because when all is said and done, it is the personal relationships we build, the laughter we share with those closest to us that keep us alive. Several weeks ago, having a difficult time with a situation in my life and then possibly making a mistake in trying to resolve it, I made a call to friend and told him that I needed help; three very difficult words to drum up when you’re an independent and self-sufficient person with a lot to be grateful for. However, he dropped what he was doing and agreed to meet up for dinner and a new process began. Within seconds after hanging up the phone is when the “volcano” erupted inside me. A couple days later I met with a person who has, over the years, guided me in a great direction and there appears to be tons of laughter on the horizon all because I stripped myself of pride and asked for help.

The following day another idol of mine passed away, an idol for a completely different reason. Lauren Bacall, who was once the young, energetic, independent, and life loving woman who humanized the great Humphrey Bogart passed away. Together, their playful spirit and timeless love is something to be admired by everyone. “Bogey became a little more giggly because of her” is a quote that I read about them and it really hits home for me. They were playful and full of laughter and that made for a sacred bond that was beautiful. She was mature beyond her years and never ever took a back seat to him. By all accounts, she made him a better man, a more open and free person no matter where they stood individually. She lived a great life and had a wonderful career in her own right, I read her book a few years ago and it inspired me greatly. I’m not one to overemphasize celebrity couples or love stories, but this one was different, the kind to aspire to. It’s easy to see in pictures of them that there was no place they would rather be than together and I’m certain they are again. Of course, I am also sure that they had to work some stuff out together and that is the magic of it. Age does not necessarily protect you from love and passion, however, I bet that it does work the other way around. Those two “mega stars” were far from perfect individually, together however, they created one of the great stories of all time. So there we have it, laughter will inspire us to do great things and also may cause us to hide some things we need to address. I do wish Robin Williams had the courage to ask for help and I completely understand the difficulty of that task. Ask for it when things seem to be overbearing and it will always arrive. In the meantime, allow that person who makes you better, who dares to laugh with you, to love you, to trust you, and feel free enough to create your own brilliant story.  

Learning and the Change that goes with it

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter”

~James Earl Jones

Defining moments in our lives are often ignited by experiences we have had that we can’t take back and often wish we could. It is difficult at times to imagine mistakes we have made, things we said, or things we have left unsaid that cause us to do one of two things; we either bury ourselves in regret and self-pity or we learn from it and change everything about our perceptions, ideas, and feelings. If a situation in your life causes you to take a true hard look inside yourself, it is your moment to grow and simply become better. Like the mystical creature “The Phoenix”, we all have an opportunity to rise from the ashes after making life’s personal blunders and come away wiser, stronger, and being sure of what we want in life. It begins with forgiveness, first of yourself and then toward the rest of the world. The opportunities to evolve will come to us throughout our lives; in many cases, especially for a man like me, it takes an enormous amount of emotion to come to that place of change. The last couple of months have brought me to that place once again and today I’m beyond grateful for it. Grateful does not necessarily mean easy or that the situation has resolved itself inside of my heart and soul; what it means is that my perceptions of everything have changed and the “growing pains” are helping to make me a better man. There has been a complete transformation in the way I view certain aspects of my life. Every second is an opportunity to turn our lives around.

The heart will be your greatest ally when you allow it to open up fully and communicate your desires to the world around you and the people who matter most in your life. Though instinct has been strength in my life, there have been times when something inside of me has created havoc when I wasn't able to fully express the truth of how I felt. There is always a bright side to failing; the biggest is the relief you may find inside of yourself when the realization hits you that change is needed to be your truest self. Once this realization hits, you have the good fortune of having the chance to shift directions if you choose to. You can make a plan and follow it like a map to the place you really want to be. It is possible to transform physically, mentally, and every other way when you’re ready or “forced” to change. For me, I now know where I want to be and there is a plan to get there. I've made some noticeable changes, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally; I will do all I can to continue on that path. For the first time in my life my vision is clear about whom to share dreams with, how to get there, and why I want to do whatever it takes to make a magical dream come true. The missteps I had made forced me to look at myself from a different perspective and realize that real courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. I didn't do that for a long time. If and when the opportunity comes, I will have that courage. Lay your cards out on the table; look inside and if opportunity doesn't come knocking right away, build a door for it and transform yourself on the other side. The door is built and is certainly unlocked.   

The Soul's Perpetual Space for Improvement

“Optimist- Someone who figures out that taking a step back after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha”~ Robert Brault

Leading up to this moment in my life everything has been perfect. From an outsiders point of view, that may not be the case; for that matter it is easy for me to look back and say my life has been anything but “perfect”. I’ve dealt with loss, incredible feelings of uncertainty and unworthiness. Untimely deaths in my family, an insane addiction to alcohol, and a constant deep fear of never being “good enough” has caused me to grow in ways I never imagined that I could. My story is not by any stretch the most horrible, nor has it been the easiest ride thus far. It is however mine, I own it and realize now more than ever that each and every experience has allowed me to become the man I am today. The latest situation in my life, which for me has been as painful as any, also has brought me to a place of optimism and pure love. The kind I wasn't sure possible for me until I felt the feelings I had to feel and was forced to dig deep inside of myself to find the small part of me that has been missing for a long time. Perhaps it wasn't “missing”, simply put, I never realized until now I have stopped myself from life’s greatest gifts because of deep seeded fears that go far back, even beyond my own memory. The good news is that this past week it all flowed out of me like lava after a bursting volcano. An eruption of emotion, pain, and love all rolled into one. I was broken in a way I’ve never been before and on the other side of that, a true and honest and pure sense of fearlessness was born. With a little direction from someone who understands this sort of thing, like I have tried to for the better part of a decade; I know that everything has been perfect and that I am now ready to taste life the way it has been intended for me. My eyes, my heart, and my soul have been awakened.

Life is a perpetual space for improvement; we can either stay comfortable or look within ourselves to reveal our deepest desires. For the first time in my life I’m certain of this, which is my deepest desire is to share everything with someone else. I've held back that part of me for reasons I cannot explain or care to even try because I believe it is impossible to do so. It hasn't been for lack of opportunity or lack of trying. For some unknown reasons I've always stopped short of completely exposing myself to life’s greatest gift, pure love and forgiveness. I’m an incredibly grateful man; I've been given the gifts of insight, of passion, of creativity, and room to grow. Now, my soul has danced with another and made me feel whole. This is the greatest “lesson” I have learned, for it forced me to reveal the things that have held me back and made me ready to move in that direction. I write often about dreams, about chasing them and being fearless; today I can see that it all becomes better when you allow another into the deepest part of you and share that dance. Today I can throw away all I have learned about love because I've actually felt it fully. In fact, I still do and it creates an optimism that I've never felt before. That is saying a lot because I am certainly a “glass overflowing” guy. My ego has been torn apart, my walls have crumbled, and a new light shines in my heart and soul. The volcano erupted, my life has been transformed and I am grateful. The beauty of it is that there is still and always will be room to improve and share everything with another.   

Feng Shui and making room for 2nd chances

“I've tried to run away from it before and I’m not running anymore ‘cause I fought against it hard enough to know”~ John Mayer

It first came to me as I stared out the ocean, standing looking out and feeling an enormous shift; knowing that inside I've got to make changes in order to have the life I truly want. Part of being a dreamer is the costliness of “building castles in the sky”. Still, I've been blessed to have a solid foundation of the man I truly want to be. I had made the mistake of allowing myself to get trapped by outside forces that caused me to neglect everything that matters. At some point you have to realize what is most important for yourself and the people who deserve your love in your life and hopefully it doesn't cost too much. The last time I felt similar to the way I was feeling before that night, I had almost destroyed every single dream and anything good in my life. The beauty in all of this is simply that in recognizing my own shortcomings, there is a perpetual space to get better at everything. In a world that is far from perfect, second chances give us the opportunity to grow, excel, and dream on the right track. Any doubts I had about a future were gone that night and the next phase of development begins with change, I’m more than ready and willing to keep moving and creating. So I went on a crazy boardwalk ride with my niece and before we went she was afraid, even though it was her idea to take the ride. What I told her was in order to do anything we have to be fearless in our pursuits, look fear in the eye and walk right through it. In reality, I was talking to myself. I had begun the process of making changes that will help me to move toward the exact life I envision. There are unknowns that I have no control over, but I am wide open to the possibilities.

I read an article about what someone will do to keep what and who is most important in their life and it came down to change. If you come up with ten things you’re willing to change, then by all means make them and see what happens. My list is plentiful. For me it is a process that has been both fun and at times painful because of the realization that there is only so much I can actually control. I’m going to stick with the fun parts because what brings me joy is acting, writing, art, music, and learning new things, and the actual chasing of a dream. I know for certain that part of all of it is getting out of the place I currently reside and getting closer to the opportunities I seek. I take the responsibility of that seriously and have devised a plan to get there. In the meantime, I have to be okay with where I am right now and make the best of my current situation. So I got some furniture, cleaned up a ton of clutter, and began creating space to make room for improvement, "Feng Shui" if you will, to make room for what is missing. May seem trivial, but I've never been the most organized fellow. Using drawers instead of living out of bins is quite liberating! I needed to do that in order to make progress. I've found more auditions and classes, been writing the way a writer should write; fearlessly and without reservation or worry about outcomes. I've delved into different forms of it and reached deep down to create not only material, but peace in a continually racing mind. Accepting that I’m not quite where I want to be, change helps me see that I will get there. I've found ways of discovering new music and really taking it in. I've found a great deal of things to be grateful for and I’m building the life I imagine. I want to risk it all for the right person and everything that matters most. I’m certain of this much, who and what that is has given me the opportunity to grow; and for that, I’m eternally grateful. If you get another chance, look fear in the face and walk right through it.  

Art & The Places WE can go

“I think what film and art and music do; they work as a map of sorts for your feelings”

~Bruce Springsteen

Have you ever been driving and a song comes on the radio that just hits you? Inside you feel something come alive and it could take you to another dimension all together. I already know that answer because no matter who you are or what you do, the genius of somebody’s creation can move you in ways you never knew possible when you’re open to it. Each of us have an emotional core that when provoked can take us anyplace we really want to go; and often times are also afraid to go. We can look at a painting or drawing and something inside of us causes us to snap a picture of the image in our minds and feel what the artist was going through at a particular moment in their lives. It reminds us, no matter how strong or reserved or even stubborn we could be, that we are all human and have our own individual means of walking through life. A little over a week ago I took in a film that I haven’t seen in almost a decade; at that time I looked at the film from a different point of view and though I thought it was very good at the time, watching it now literally brought me to my knees at certain points because of the feelings it brought up inside about what is going on in my life right now. It provoked something in my heart and soul that I've either been scared of or never addressed until now. Simply stated, you love who you love, you’re connected to who you’re connected to and nobody can take it away. On that screen was me, not me the actor, but me the man going through life and all it's pain, beauty, and challenges. That is what art can do; the great comedy or tragedy or lesson that touches all of us comes out in it; it opens up our minds and our hearts to life’s possibilities. After a little bit of time processing what I had felt, I looked a bit further into this particular actor who moved me so much and now have a greater appreciation for not only his work, but the man he is; just a guy who had a dream and wasn't afraid to take risks in life or look “silly” doing it. Bravo Jim Carrey.

Something inside of me has always had an appreciation for collaborating artists. Whether it is in music or film, the idea of two or more very different people coming together and creating something magical inspires me beyond words. Although I personally am a bit of an individualist; the idea of teamwork is what really drives me. There is something about the connection that has always had me yearning to work at something together with someone else. The essence of this I suppose is that anything is possible when you’re surrounded by the right people or person. What I've found recently is that not only creatively, but in life, working at something together makes things more bearable and possibilities limitless. It has taken a lot for me to come to this realization, to discover that although we need to walk our own path, the road will be smoother when two paths meet; everyone needs a hand to hold onto. A writer needs a director who needs a cast that understands the message they’re trying to convey. The greatest musicians in the world need a band to fully evolve. An artist in any form get inspiration from the connections they make in the world. As Firefighters, we rely on each other to work together to get an important job done. Through it all, there is one common thread, a connection to somebody else. If and when you’re lucky enough to find a connection that makes you better, makes you feel alive, and clicks with you on every level; bring your paths together and create the life you imagine. Throw your cards on the table and allow each other to see what you’re holding; there’s always a possibility that they’re both winning hands. In the end, nobody wins unless everybody wins.   

The Courage of Thunder Road

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else”~ Erma Bombeck

Firefighters are doomed to live up to a reputation of being “courageous”; the fact of the matter is that in many ways we are, we took a job for the good of others and put ourselves in position to literally save lives. I love my job for that reason, it is not because I’m an adrenalin junkie or feel the need to be a “Hero”. A line from one of my all-time favorite songs is “I’m no hero that’s understood, all the redemption I can offer is beneath this dirty hood”, I believe that dirty hood is a metaphor for the singer’s essence. There was a lot of soul searching going on before Bruce came to that conclusion. The song itself is an invitation for a fellow dreamer to go out with the narrator and search the world together. It’s one of the greatest pieces of music that has ever been written in my humble opinion. Each time and each version I have listened to over the years has opened up a beautiful world to envision because I too am a dreamer. Over the last several weeks a whole new world has opened up inside me; I've found parts of me that I have been searching for and never even realized I was missing. They’re out there now, I’m making progress and I've had to muster more courage than I ever have to look that deep inside of myself. I've been to New York City, The Ocean, alone in an elegant hotel room, and to the mountains to figure out what will be next. In all these places the one constant was me; what I believe is that I’m at a whole new level of awareness and ready to be brave enough to fully engage in who, what, and all that matters most to me in this lifetime. There is truth in the assumption that “soul searching” can be painful, it can cause a person to break down walls they've built around themselves and finally see exactly what they want their lives to look like. No matter how hard we try, it is quite impossible to be perfect all the time, so open up what is inside of you and offer up everything you have; hold onto hope that the connections you've been yearning for make it all seem perfect. “Show a little faith, there’s magic in the night”.

The key to Thunder Road is that they are going take each other’s hand to go out and “case The Promised Land”, a place where all dreams will come true and they’re going to support and encourage each other along the way. It’s a fantastic narrative for those of us yearning to be better, to chase dreams, and cast fear aside. Those two lanes can take us anywhere we want to go; the power of it is in the knowing you have the courage to put yourself out there, the strength comes from an irreplaceable connection of “one last chance to make it real”. Open up your heart, follow it and in the end you will be able to embrace the process of actually allowing love’s agenda to work itself out. Once you’re on that road, surrender yourself because “Heaven’s waiting down on the tracks”.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-I579UTHm-o     

Unbreakable

“Hearts will never be practical until they are made UNBREAKABLE” ~The Wizard of Oz

There were thousands of people around when I gazed at an incredibly full moon above the ocean. I stared at the empty space on the beach below envisioning two people walking along the edge of the reflection on the water. In that moment I could feel a shift in my consciousness and in my heart; my entire being evolved at the vision of that empty space under the moonlit sky. I have won many battles in my life, personal, professional, and any other kind in between. I know what it is like to endure loss, to move on afterwards and usually relatively quickly. In my profession as an actor it is so common to end up on the losing end that parts of me are immune to rejection and defeat. By nature I am an extremely passionate and deep feeling guy and I’ve taught myself to use that as an advantage. Every single time I have accomplished something great in my life it was those two attributes that brought me there. No matter what however, there are other times when my biggest strengths become my ultimate weakness; when I lose myself for a time putting my passion into things that at the end of the day really don’t matter much. It’s a way of building walls maybe, or just being a prisoner of my own blindness. I guess life really is a perpetual work in progress. As great as it is to have the capacity to live in the moment and see where a day, week, or even year can take you; an “ah-ha” moment about your future can cause a monumental change in the way you look at things if deep down you’re not exactly where you want to be. This type of pain has catapulted people to step out of their comfort zone, forced them to move forward and chase dreams, to change everything.

According to my calculations, however unpractical they are, so long as you’re breathing and can see things, anything in life is possible when you’re willing to work for it and know for certain it is what you’re looking for. There could very well be moments in your lifetime where pain can cause a magical shift in the way you look at everything. Many say that pain is a great motivator; it will cause the most stubborn folks to change their whole outlook on life. This sort of thing happened to me in 2005 when I stopped living a destructive existence and it has happened again. When something, some power much greater than me, simply stated a fact in my heart and made me come to the realization that I had to be better. Back then, I figured out what I needed to do and did all I could to do just that; so far so good in that aspect of my life and I’m beyond grateful for it every day. Being there again, in that place where my insides are in turmoil and my mind races has once again brought that little voice into my conscious and my heart; I see my future and love what I envision, I just need to figure out how to get there. The space under the moonlit sky is full and I’m there and I’m not alone. When pain inside of you turns into love you can take practicality and throw it away hoping to keep your heart intact. Do your best to build the courage to transition yourself from fear and pain to love fully and completely. It’s worth the risk!