DOG LESSONS

“Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them, and filling an emptiness we didn’t ever know we had” ~Thom Jones

There’s comfort in knowing that no matter what situations arise in life, whether challenging, or triumphant, or scary, dark or magical, that you will be loved and left un-judged. For reasons that are extremely complex to comprehend, humans put all sorts of judgments and expectations on one another that cause immense amounts of fear which blocks them from fully embracing love; a dog, the right dog could teach us a lot about life and embracing the love we seek to be given and ultimately were put here to give.

I had just finished working for the day, my real estate agent called me to tell me that the house I was looking to buy fell through. Turns out that is probably a blessing as I’m not even sure where I will be in the next several months, I was somehow relieved and sad all at the same time. That’s how my mind tends to work though, constantly searching, always moving at breakneck speed as I attempt to simply sloooow it down. This is certainly an ironic piece of how it works for me, brain racing in search of a pause; it’s how I’m wired! A thought hit me that I wanted to go see some Husky dogs, it’s a breed that has intrigued me for a long time and I figured I would rescue one once I HAD a house. I found that it may take some work just to see some of them so I made a phone call to see if I could make it happen. No luck! I did however, talk to a woman I know who is very involved in dog rescues. She couldn’t help with Huskies, but she had recently removed a Husky/Pit Bull mix from a home where he was neglected and mal nourished. With a few hours to kill I told her I’d stop by; she “warned” me that he was shy and a bit scared before I got there. What the hell, if nothing else, she has a slew of animals to visit and I was up for a little spontaneity. As he emerged from the barn area I stood next to my car with a smile on my face and in approximately 12 seconds Conan had both his paws on my shoulders and was kissing my face with the ferocity of a little puppy angel. Basically I knew right then and there that nothing was going to be the same, he was going to be part of my life and there was nothing I’d be able to do about it; with every overjoyed wag of his tail my heart opened up wider and wider. This beautiful animal needed me and before long, I realized I needed him. He has taught me quite a bit about myself and how life, making sacrifices, and following your heart always seem to work.

This pup; this incredibly loyal, needy, loving, playful, protective, funny, active, and curious pup has taught me about connection. For us it was instant, he sensed something in me that I needed (I didn’t even know it myself) and in turn, the second he looked at me with his magical blue/brown eyes I knew we were going to be friends for life. It is, I believe rare to find this type of bond, it does happen though and we should embrace it and cherish it when it does. I call it the “Hundred Percenter”; it’s different from attachment in that even when my stubborn/logical mind told me I wasn’t quite ready to have this alliance because I didn’t have the house yet, that my schedule is complex, that I would need help, that well… you get the picture. I knew in my heart that I had to find a way to make it work and I honed into what my feelings were telling me. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, that my landlord wasn’t crazy about the idea, that my schedule and responsibilities to my job could be a challenge, that I was actually unsure of myself to be capable of giving him what he needs, and if I was ready to sacrifice some freedom to take on the partnership. He is teaching me a little bit about time management. A free spirit with a consistently racing mind and some free time due to my work schedule, I’ve struggled mightily with organizational skills. There are so many things I try and do in a day that often, I wouldn’t get any of it done due to my ADD. When you have a responsibility to get a dog out, take him to exercise, feed him, train him etc., there is surely a sense of programming for both of you!  

I had my doubters for sure, family and friends telling me I am “out of my mind” or that I didn’t have the time or experience to be a proper parent. Justified concerns for sure, but at the end of the day one of the things I’m most grateful for in my life is that I make my own decisions and when it comes to what my heart wants, the people who truly love and know me understand this and do not attempt to influence me.

All I can say is that it is working; Conan and I are figuring it all out as we go along. Everyone knew that I was going to keep this dog no matter what they thought. When my mind is made up, I’ll make it happen. Those closest to me jumped on board and have been encouraging and supportive; in some cases, outright helpful!! It wouldn’t be possible without the proverbial “Village” of people who see what I see in this far from perfect situation. Though for Conan and me, it couldn’t get much more perfect. We welcome others to join us on this adventure with open arms!

Conan has taught me about true connection. We are very active; we hike, run, go to parks and dog parks, and explore the city. He has gone from a shy and uncertain pup to a confident and charismatic companion seemingly like magic. Everyone wants to engage with him; this alone has allowed me to learn more about people while opening my mind and heart to new things. Basically, he’s a magnet, attracting both doggie and human friends too! I suppose that’s what confidence and comfort do for us; it gives us the freedom to be spontaneous and closer to our true playful selves. There are no judgments or guilt, simply a bond that brings out the best in both of us. No fear, only love. This happens when our heart is ready, when we are ready to let go of all that could hold us back and just let life unfold the way The Universe intends it to. There will be challenges, there will be lessons, there will be disappointments, there will be joys and laughter, and most importantly, most hopefully, there will be “hundred percenters”; those bonds (human and non-human) that make life worth living.   

Stubborn Soul

“It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all; the opposite of love is indifference”

~The Lumineers

Bent over, exhausted, breathing as though there was a seventy five pound kettle bell resting squarely on my chest; still, I managed to smile, sweat pouring from my brow, I just finished my first triathlon. I felt accomplished, especially after making it out of the swimming part alive! I’ve never been coached and that needs to change, finding a training partner or partners is on my “to do” list. After the race I decided to stay in a quaint bed and breakfast for the night; this sort of mini trip has been common for me over the last couple of years. Romance novels, movies, and the most popular music would call it “Soul Searching”; I believe my soul has always been here, guiding me to be kind, to be a leader, to struggle, to achieve, and to be touched by life. It’s been here for me to live and survive every single experience of my existence in order to create from it. No matter where you go physically, what kind of work you do, material possessions or losses; the soul is our constant reminder that the world is full of lessons and it is that piece of us that lifts us beyond the heavens. When you “bare your soul” you’re striving for connection to a higher place, trying to open up to a vast and beautiful world.      

The existence of our soul is a mystical, unidentifiable piece of us right up until a moment arrives when suddenly, inexplicably, part of it is absent. I had gone through my life as a very independent guy, consistently doing “my own thing, my own way”, never in my entire life allowing anyone to get passed a certain point of knowing me; an intense defense mechanism that served me for most of my life. At a point, my guard came down and then a piece went missing and a search to discover what is truly important to me began. I came upon the realization of several “souls” that are part of me.

An “Old Soul” is wise beyond their years, a person who wants stability without bullshit. They’ve experienced life in such a way that there is nothing you can throw at them they won’t understand or empathize with. Often, these are the folks who choose very carefully, the people they allow to get close to them. You want to sit with them by a fire, learn of their frailties, and tell them of yours. Often they have deep seeded wounds that need healing. There is the “Gypsy Soul”, the one who seemingly has a whimsical intelligence that can draw you in and take you places of euphoric delight with an easy laugh and glimmer in their eyes. There is mischievousness about them that makes freedom in any moment penetrate every single part of your being and will have you soaring above stars and moon. When you’re in their presence, there is a feeling you can take on the world. You want to dance with them, jump off a cliff hand in hand, and with reckless abandon, create an adventure for the ages. Often they have deep seeded wounds that need healing. Kind souls, tortured souls, creative souls, or any number of titles one could conjure up; at different moments during our lives there will be many different variations of our authentic soul that can mean many different things. This is what makes us human, to own each of these different parts of ourselves and strive to be better.

Finally there is what I call the “Stubborn Soul”. This is the part that, no matter how much your mind tells you to quit or how much defense you’re able to build up, a person or experience or dream stays with you and is there to teach you about yourself. The stubborn soul asks that you look deeper to free everything up in order to live the best possible life you’re able to; it asks that you find answers within yourself instead of looking elsewhere. At times this part will want to run away and not face the feelings of the heart, but it will always come back unless you own it. This is the part that lingers until you open yourself up enough to explore it thoroughly. This is the one that moves you to leave your comfort zone and risk love and vulnerability. Often we do all we can to fight it, but it’s not that easy. The stubborn soul, when you finally open up to what it's telling you, is the one that heals those deep seeded wounds and allows you to freely jump off of life’s highest mountain knowing that there will be a smooth landing. Somewhere along the journey there is a “Soul Mate” to soar with and to heal with; a perfect blend of each other’s collective souls creating a world within the world to do it all; the connection every soul yearns to find. At least, that’s what my stubborn soul tells me.        

BORN TO RUN

“Together we can live with the sadness, I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul~ Someday girl, I don’t know when, we’re gonna get to that place we really want to go, we’ll walk in the sun, until then~ Tramps like us, baby we were Born to Run” ~Springsteen

I don’t remember the date exactly when I heard Bruce was writing the story of his life, I do recall feeling excited though. For as long as I can remember, since my brother Kevin took me to my first concert, I’ve always been excited when a new album was coming out! For me (and countless others), the music he has created over his career has been like having a mentor, friend, shrink, and companion behind speakers both big and small. I like pretty much all music and have many other artists I truly enjoy listening to; but when the shit hits the fan in my head or my heart, Bruce is where I turn. After Kevin died there would be long drives listening to THE RIVER, BORN TO RUN, NEBRASKA, or DARKNESS. I would drive miles and miles upon hours and hours of listening, feeling, and wondering how to navigate through this crazy life. Then there are the live shows, each one a monumental experience of the brilliance the world provides. For 3 or 4 hours and usually days after there is this inexplicable euphoria that comes over me; it began as BORN IN THE USA shook the rafters of Giants Stadium at the first of many shows I would (and will certainly continue to) see. The E Street Band that day, brought a new found hope to a young kid that was full of angst and was in search of something that would bring me joy, passion, hope, and possibly even an understanding of the stuff I feel inside; Bruce has been doing that for me for a long time. According to “Born to Run”, the book, the concerts have been Bruce’s place to find those very same things. We see him and he sees us and that is a connection very few artists bring to their audience.

Bruce has the ability to put himself in someone else’s shoes in a way not many other artists can. As a Fireman, the chilling way he is able to feel what it must be like to be ascending those stairs in THE RISING wearing “the cross of my calling” is remarkable. He has never, as far as I know entered a burning building, but he senses it and tells the story in a very real and sensitive way. Needless to say, as a writer I anxiously awaited the delivery of the book; for as much as the music has brought to me I simply knew this would help me to connect to the artist in a new and profound way, it didn’t disappoint!

508 pages read in a matter of three days, I couldn’t put it down; there I was going through all my memories of the music and what it meant during different aspects of my life. By myself in my apartment, I experienced moments of laughter and flat out wails of crying as Bruce writes so poetically of his imagination running wild as kid or his connection to a family life he believed to be so different than anyone else’s. Sounds and smells of childhood mornings as his mom got ready for work and the need to try and impress his dad (in my case my older brothers as well). His decision of moving to California as I strongly contemplate this very move was an eye opener to say the least, the final decision to stay connected to his roots in Jersey, however sorted they may have been for him, makes a whole lot of sense at this point in my life. Bruce is so generous and open throughout the book that it’s a must read even if you’re not a “fan”. One of the biggest rock stars and artists on planet earth has struggles to overcome and real life anxiety that anyone could own. No doubt he has also had success and incredibly joyous moments that few experience, but all of it comes to fruition in a very human way. He puts it out there in such a way that you feel like you’re having a long conversation with your closest friend.

My eyes welled with tears as I read about his experience of realizing the world was closing in on him in Texas. He writes, “All I know is as we age the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier… much heavier”. For me, over a decade ago a similar experience happened and I had to take a good long look in the mirror to change everything, to break free from the demons that had a grip on my soul and caused nothing but despair. I was able to overcome alcoholism and that was the beginning of a new life. That’s not to say I haven’t had other battles since then, the “baggage” I carried was immense and I’m still processing and letting it fall every single day. Through my own decision to see a therapist and search of family history I’ve discovered parts of me that took a long time to comprehend and I could not be more grateful. The outsider in me caused me to retreat from the most pure and loving relationship I’d ever known; today I know I’ve done my best and that my half of the dream is alive. When the other half shows up, I'll be ready and willing to explore! I live a very rewarding life, because of that experience I’m now open to delving into life’s journey, not only as an individual chasing dreams, but as part of the bigger picture; a basic and strong need for connection, for love and forgiveness and healing. A connection that will one day bring me a family and sense of security all the while, basking in the moments of silliness, of passion, and creativity; this life holds all of these aspects and now I understand why Bruce Springsteen has been along with me for the ride all these years. It really “ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive!” 

The Taste (of the soul)

Amid the chaos in my head I'm certain of this; I long for that feeling again~
Devastating memories erased,
Joys of your laugh linger.
I'm better now, opened wide to allow all light to shine in. Walls crumbled all around me~ we can move we can dance, we can dream; conquer deepest fears. Heart to heart, face to face; sweet destiny reach for my hands as they are connected to my soul.

In your eyes I felt it,
A thousand times before we ever met.
I knew when you ran away that something would bring us back,
It didn't take long, or perhaps it was a sign.
As the rain poured down, it was magical sweetness I tasted on your lips; a flavor embedded in my my soul. I couldn't leave. Knowing then that your touch was what I longed for in eternity. Two powerful forces in the midst of uncertainty about tomorrow. As we grew closer, tears coming down our faces and we spoke words neither of us had ever uttered; so meaningful, so surreal. The salt of your body on my tongue never seems to vanish. I got a taste.

Monumental possibilities between us, unstoppable~ I wasn't going to run away even though my own insecurities slowed me down. I can't take it back, I tried, I want that taste again because in it I found my bliss. My wholeness. Delightful in every way. That doesn't mean it'd all be easy, I can only speak for myself; if it means to fight, to wait, to change, to let go, or dream~ I will taste it again, the succulent taste of love.

Inside your body lies the summit so hard to reach, faith restored in the depths of of still waters I worked so hard to preserve. The only world to conquer is ours; that place where our souls once danced together~ time and space have proved to me there's only one body I need to delve in, to touch, to hold and protect~ I got a taste.

The Mountain

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be able to decide what is best for you” ~ Oprah Winfrey

As the plane began its descend, I was in awe of the enormity of the Mountains; seemingly out of nowhere they take over the earth, majestically transforming the landscape into a heavenly feast for the eyes. For the first time in a very long time I chose a window seat on my flight; heading to Colorado, I wanted the full experience of seeing the snowcapped Rocky Mountains from the air. I was traveling to this magnificent place in the middle of the country with some guys I started my career with several years back, to celebrate one of them taking a major life step. At work, I have to trust these guys with my life, on this trip I had to trust that they would understand that my way of “letting loose” is different than theirs and I would spend a good portion of the trip out on my own exploring the beauty of the land and visiting other life-long  friends. I wanted write, to climb, to fill up with the “good stuff” that nature provides. I was able to do all these things, taking in each moment to unfold more of my soul and what certain aspects of life mean; love, friendship, adventure, and of course dreaming of the life I plan to live.

It was once said to me that my life is “set”. This may not seem like a big deal to many, but for me those words pierced through my heart like a shard of glass coming down from the heavens; a wound was opened unlike any other prior to that time in my life. It came at a time when, in all actuality, I was striving to move ahead, but at a crossroads of sorts about old ideas and lifelong fears that held me back from the most important things in life. Our lives are never ever “set”, there is no such thing. This would mean either that we are absolutely certain of our future or that our past has dictated where we’ll stay. To add to that, my dreams are big and for the most part will eventually move me away from where I currently am; it’s simply a bonus that I’m in a good place right now. It’s my belief that we can know exactly where we intend to go and do the things we set out to do; only we can never be sure just how it will all unravel. My friends and I sat down in a six person raft with an idea of going with the flow of the river, eventually reaching our destination. Sometimes we would really have to work, paddling extra hard because the weight we were carrying caused our vessel to get stuck on more rocks than others. Eight rafts took the trip and it was only ours where, including me, people were thrown out and into the river to fend for ourselves until we were pulled back in. Large slippery rocks, powerful current and frigid waters are the main physical obstacles to get back in the boat; by far, the biggest interference is fear of letting yourself simply drift along until you reach the folks who will pull you back aboard. Believe in the current as well as your own survival skills and you will drift freely to the place you need to be. Even the strongest swimmers cannot fight the rush of water Mother Nature provides, so you simply have to let go, breathe, and allow it to take you to that place where someone will pull you safely back in. Therein lies the beauty, a hand to reach out to after moving through obstacles and releasing all your fears.

“To live for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain that sustains life, not the top”. The following day these words from Robert M. Pirsig rang over and over in my mind as I climbed up in the snowcapped mountains that seemed imaginary as the plane was landing in Colorado. This was part of the trip that I’d have to explore on my own. No doubt I feel as though this kind of adventure is enhanced tremendously when shared with another; however, I wasn’t going to wait for that to happen, the moment was now. I’ve spent a lot of time traveling in the past year and a half; from coast to coast, oceans and mountains, rivers, beaches, and cities. I’ve met all sorts of interesting people along the way. Conversations with an array of folks including friends I haven’t seen in years, fellow writers, Firefighters, lost souls and insanely successful actors, artists and musicians. We are all connected to what the side of the mountain represents; a journey filled with joys and sorrows, victories and defeats, laughter and tears. We choose trails and we climb, is it better to keep your head down and charge up the hill without regard of the life happening around you? Or, is it better to be aware of the sprouting wildlife, of the colors, of the gentle streams and fallen trees? One way or the other we all experience what the mountain has in store for us, either as we enjoy our ascension or as we tumble back down. I’ve fallen down many times. I've crossed paths with those who have taught me about life, about themselves, and most importantly, myself. Whichever trail you choose, take it all in, spontaneously jump on a rock and scream to the world that “I feel great”!! When your path crosses with somebody looking to go where you want to go, sing, dance, and explore everything along the way. The top isn’t as lonely when you get there side by side. If in fact you have to go it alone, remember to be aware of the life around you and treat it well. The journey to the top is filled with magical moments.        

Angel on the Trail

“Sometimes people don’t need advice; all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them” ~Unknown

I sat silently in the middle of a stream listening to sounds of the waterfall at the bottom of a steep embankment along the trail. I could feel the tiny drops splashing on my arms and face, the day wasn’t super-hot by any means, but the droplets are refreshing and remind me of the infinite source of nature; though my mind which always seems to be racing was again full of thoughts, stillness in this moment allowed my awareness to increase.

My eyes were closed and sunlight that shone through the trees was warm on my face. There is a certain grace you feel in nature as the outside world moves at a pace difficult to keep up with. I felt a presence descending down toward the stream and opened my eyes to see a woman making her way down. She was certainly in shape and fearlessly navigating her way down the hill; this has to be a spot she frequents. I did my very best not to stare at her as she gathered rocks around the stream, stacking them on top of a much a larger rock to form a tower. This was quite intriguing to me. After several minutes of this she waved at me, her smile inviting and at ease. I decided to approach her; curiosity as well as this woman’s approachable nature guided me toward her.

“What is it that you’re doing?” I asked. Her reply was carefully thought out, though it also seemed as if she wanted to use the right words so that I would understand. “It’s spiritual, for a few minutes I concentrate on balancing the rocks and it centers me”. I smiled an understanding smile she continued; “Does your mind ever race? Go a little crazy with thoughts you can’t seem to stop?” She was speaking my language now! The woman kept on, “Building the tower with rocks forces you to slow down for a few minutes and start over”. With that, she topped off her rock tower and told me she needed to go pick up her daughter. I thanked her and watched as she ascended the embankment back up toward the trail. She was half way up the hill when she turned to me and said “you should probably try it”. Indeed I would.

The next day I was back at the trail, heading toward the waterfall determined to build my own tower near the one that was created by the woman a day earlier. To my surprise it was knocked down. At first I was pissed off because, well, who would knock it down? It’s a tough hike just to get to that place and she searched for all those rocks to build with. Then it came to me, as I built my own tower on a different large rock that sometimes things need to be knocked down. The large rocks were the foundation that could constantly be used to rebuild new towers and new ideas. We could create or construct anything as long as there is a solid foundation to work with. We can be knocked down, even stay down for a while, but as long as at the base of our hearts there is good and love and understanding, there is always a shot at reconstruction. You just have to be willing to jump off the cliff or descend a steep embankment to begin building again. Relationships, friendships, recovering from addictions, healing old wounds, or simply knowing ourselves better begin with the solid foundation of love. 

We have to create our own towers and perhaps along the way someone will come along who is interested, who understands, who would like to build something too. The climb back to the trail, to the top of the world will be something that is nurtured and earned. We will know new freedom and happiness and above all know that we can keep building our dreams, our relationships, and our lives. Angels are everywhere when we’re open to hearing them.    

The Park

“Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million Universes” ~Walt Whitman

I sat silently at the foot of a lake at the foot of a mountain recently; my plan was to simply hike the mountain. To find my way through the day and take in the life nature provides. I’d been having some struggles with writing and exercising my body has become an integral part of my existence, doing what I can to “turn back the clock”! In reality though, this is truly my way of staying in the moment to keep past and future worries from consuming me. I ended up stopping at a bench and writing for the first time in a while; what came over me was the realization of a million tiny Universes that keeps us all connected. The reflection of the mountain on the glass-like surface of the lake had me admiring the perfection of that moment, a man among the world in constant motion. Deep inside this magical place a squirrel is looking for a mate, a bear cub is learning how it will survive, and likely there were fawn playing around chasing each other. Streams constantly flow to find their destination, at times they are full and other times close to dry, just like life. There are picture perfect days and there are storms, both of which always pass. After some time, I hiked the mountain, all the way to the top and back, navigating my way over and through the terrain with an open heart and new found appreciation for connection.

The following day I made my way to this park I like to run because of the different stations to do other exercises. There’s a nice pond with a dam and ducks and on many days, families of turtles hanging out. Something was different this time; things that have always touched me seemed to reach me in a deeper place. Walking past the elderly couples holding hands as they sat on the bench, maybe their bodies weren’t able to do all the things they once did, however hearts were very much alive. Peace in their eyes and a hand to hold onto. Wondering in my mind exactly how this moment came to be for these folks, all the challenges and terrain they had to go through in their journey to have that look of contentment. I jogged past the area of the playground where kids were running around and parents watched with protecting eyes. As if worrying about bills, jobs, relationships, or really anything else didn’t matter. At least while they were there, honoring their young, allowing them to feel free. The thought came to me that one day, I will tell my own kids to dream big, play, explore, and soar. I will never put a limit on just how far they want to go. At yet another area I was jumping rope, kind of like a kid myself. A young couple began to work out together, laughing yet serious about the task at hand, which was keeping in shape, simply awesome. I hope that they left the park to share some ice cream or a pizza! Hey, we only got one life~ let’s live it! As I took all this in, a million Universes developing within our lifetime, an intense feeling came over me that the truth of world is we all need connection. For a very long time it was my belief that it was only a “want” in our lives. This way of thinking likely blocked me from fully having the confidence in myself to open up to my real purpose. I’m not certain of tomorrow; I know I have big dreams and a lot to offer someone and the world. Perhaps I’m a slow learner, but I’m grateful for the lessons I needed to learn in order to know exactly what my heart desires, in fact, needs. In that connection, two souls could stand cool and composed before a million Universes.     

HOME

“The hard part is pretending not to give a fuck when you really do. The worst part is trying to close your heart when its doors have been blown to pieces”

R.M. Drake

Today I consider myself to be a very blessed man. Having just returned from a productive trip across the country where it’s quite possible many of my biggest dreams will soon come true. Grateful to have a life that gives me that opportunity; enjoying the work I do now which allows me to follow my passions, create possibilities, and meet people who are decision makers in both of my chosen fields. I’ve learned more about myself over the past three years than I have in my entire existence; the high of incredible joy that a fulfilling and loving connection can bring to your life, as well as the pain of transforming after that connection is no longer there.

Historically, I would find ways to blanket that pain whether by substance or simply denying myself to feel anything. I have, instead, made a decision to feel every feeling and make it my life’s mission to turn my experiences into love and art, becoming the man I always intended to be. Even the most independent, powerful, experienced, and strong people can be turned upside down at some point in their lives. For many, like me, perhaps this happens several times and we have to keep on digging inside of ourselves to discover our human frailties. To expose our weaknesses in order to reconstruct the things we have learned and turn them into our strength. I’ve learned the importance of connection, to be able to share your desires, fears, mistakes, and triumphs with someone is an intense human need that until now, I never realized or at least admitted. For some, this kind of realization comes early and easily in life; to those folks I admire and applaud them and more importantly, thank the ones I’ve let into my life to show me. To an even greater extent, the ones who I have seen come out the other side of their own challenges and opened up to me. Life works moment to moment, the past is behind us and the future is uncertain, the great lesson is to understand what we have power over and what we absolutely do not. We find home in the moments when we can forgive and look at another with joy, comfort, and understanding each other’s frailties. It has nothing to do with the place we are in life, where we live, or the way we make a living. There is a port for every ship and it comes in the form of human and soul connections.

I sat across from a good friend at a coffee shop near the beach in California; she is insanely successful as an artist, but even more importantly, she looks at life with a great passion that inspires me. We spoke of the slight adjustments in our outlook that makes the difference between feeling comfort and being overwhelmed with doubt and fear. Everyone, no matter how “successful” or seemingly “together” they may be, has something, some hurdle to overcome in order to feel at ease. We spoke clearly and concisely about these things and learned a whole lot about each other. Life really is fantastic when moments like that occur! I believed I was in that place of ease. Then I met the person who will forever have changed that for me. Forced me to look hard at myself and realize both the beautiful parts of me as well as the parts that needed healing. Today I’m grateful for all of it. Through that connection I learned that I am lovable, we all are. I also learned just how vulnerable I could be, we all should allow it. In this moment I’m not afraid to put myself on the line in order to chase dreams and live the best life possible. My life is far from set, anything and everything can happen in an instant. There is nothing more powerful than a connection that changes us; that allows two independent souls to change the world together. It can happen in a way which society sees as big or in subtle ways like creating a family in which we teach our children from our own mishaps or simply learning a great lesson. Today, I will be open to constructing life’s puzzle; allowing the pieces to fall where they may and putting them in place. Some will fit and some will not and that’s cool; at the end of the day I will know to be open and available and hopeful. I’ll find my home. We all will.  

UNDERSTANDING

“These times are so uncertain, a yearning undefined and people filled with rage. We all need a little tenderness; how can love survive in such a graceless age?” ~Don Henley

Today I write from the place of forgiveness, simply the greatest place in The Universe. Life’s relationships, situations, events, and moments will help to shape us into the people we will become. It is a perpetual journey of discovery and learning. Often enough, our own uncertainty about the thoughts and feelings within our minds and hearts will have us either running away or diving into life in order to live it fully. We will make mistakes and we will make judgments to look back on and learn from. The super part of looking back is it gives us the opportunity to grow so long as we make an effort, in this moment, to be better than yesterday.

I have had a hard time writing this blog for several months as I’ve been working through a huge discovery within myself. I felt as though I was being “judged” and once again, in my life full of lessons, I had to take a good hard look, not so much of choices I made, but of feelings that I never allowed myself to feel. What I did discover is that I’M ALIVE and each and every challenge life has thrown at me has given me the ability to forgive and at least attempt to understand others, myself, and my desires. I traveled and have a rejuvenated fondness of nature. I’m now in position to make some really big choices about what I want to do, where I want to be and the type of person I want to be with. Decisions that I will trust to be the right ones, which will take me exactly to the place I’m supposed to be. The more open I become to life’s possibilities, the more other people have been opening up to me. Some people have confessed to me very personal struggles they are going through; when we are able to come out the other side of our own challenges we become available to understand others and be a source of comfort and encouragement. To be able to empathize and guide others brings us closer to our purpose, which is forgiveness and understanding.  

Today, I am aware of my fears and I embrace them momentarily so that I can let them go. My mind along with my heart is open enough to start over and more importantly forgive myself and everyone else. Today, I can walk through the fire with confidence that my life will be full and I have had the opportunity to make the lives of others just a little bit better. I’m going to laugh, do things I’ve never done, embrace the world, and love with all the madness in my soul. I hope beyond hope that everyone finds their way and when they do; that they will be challenged again so life doesn’t get too easy. I want everyone to find the beauty in sharing their independence with another. I want people to create the world they imagine around them and within them. It won’t always be easy, this I understand.    

Perfection of a Moment

“Experience is one thing you can’t get for nothing”~ Oscar Wilde

I’ve had my share of both pain and bliss, the common connection is each feeling happened in a specific moment that has shaped my life thus far. We go through life a moment at a time and it is always specific experiences that bring us closer to our truest self. Life is precious and beautiful and never ever perfect. In a split second, everything can and will change as we navigate our way through. A perfect moment will cause a redirect in us whether it is joyful or painful.

Online, you can find a vast number of resources delving into the stuff that makes people tick. Articles, websites, pages, and any variety of columns throw all different advice out there about handling life’s “situations”. The only real thing we can do about life is to live it; to move through moments the best way we know how that instant. I for one, find most knowledge I truly need in the little messages on the strings draped over the side of my cups of tea. Things like “Love, compassion, and kindness are the anchors of life” or “Live with reverence of yourself and others”. This morning, I awoke to an amazing sunrise over the vast ocean that connects all of us in one way or another. I stopped my thoughts in their place when they drifted toward who or what was missing in my life; a step back to realize I was in the perfect moment right then and there.

We create our lives in each step we walk and breath we take, our brains functioning at light speed moving us through what amounts to be a very short amount of time. Each and every day anyone has an opportunity, no matter where their thoughts are, to reestablish the moment by taking it in and realizing that it is perfect. I dream often of my future. Who will I share my life with? What I will be doing? Where will I be living and traveling etc. I also find myself questioning the things I have done to get me to the place I am right now; challenges, mistakes, triumphs and losses. Many times all these thoughts go scrambling around my mind all at once and it becomes tiresome when I let it. In essence, I have a scrambled mind and the beauty of that is I’m alive! At any moment I can accept where I am and move forward the best I can. Contrary to certain mechanisms in my brain, the best I can is ALWAYS good enough. This is the same for everyone as we all have our lives to live, challenges to face, and love to share.

Another great Tea quote is “The purpose of life is to enjoy every moment”. Laugh at yourself when you feel you’ve blundered; know that the next moment is just right! Forgive quickly, love fully, be kind, dream big, make your mistakes and when your thoughts are in overdrive, know that you’re in the perfect moment. 

APPRECIATE AND HONOR YOUR SOUL

My soul has become brave from what my eyes have seen,

Splintered, bruised, bent; never defeated.

My soul has earned its grace because it realized love,

Pure, infinite, sacred; it has no boundaries.

My soul has tasted delight on the tongue of an angel,

Savory, blissful, elegant; love revered.

My soul has learned lessons because I choose to be alive,

Engaging, powerful, creative; make each day count.

My soul is ready to change the world along with another,

Shall we dance? Hearts infinitely intertwined.

My soul has accepted this moment,

The day no different than a lifetime; now it is ours.

My soul has neither fear nor vengeance,

Love is the victory for all.

My soul yearns to be inside again and feel our pulse together,

Our bodies become one, explosive passion into each other.

My soul will honor and appreciate yours forever.

The Treasure Inside

Apart we are marvels of creation, together and undeniable force~

That long awaited embrace ensured us, the world anticipates our power.

Hearts electrified under a full moon, feel alive as the golden sun rises~

You've awakened me; reach now for my open heart.

Start fresh~ crisp breeze lifting us like the tide.

Never grooved this way before, eyes fixed, peace achieved, proclaim our desires.

Only you and I truly get us~ sway, move, vibrate~ stealing the perfect dance.

~Kyle Hughes

This morning as I hear birds singing and the sun has risen once again, my thoughts have slowed down just enough to realize the incredible gifts I have been given. I believe that each of us have crosses to bear in our lives, some seemingly more insurmountable than others. Wounds turned into wisdom and compassion allow us serve the world in countless ways. I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that in a few days I will be a full decade removed from my last drink or any other mind altering substance. There have been some really high highs and low lows over that span of time and above all, discovery of who I am and who I want to be. My senses are alive and gratitude at an all-time high; I suppose I have beaten some pretty big odds. The beauty is in the journey and accepting things that I can’t change, finding courage to change the things I can, and seeking the wisdom to know the difference.  

I have a fierceness and passion inside of me that yearns to create, to help others, to laugh, and to change the world. For me, that is the treasure inside me and I want to share it with someone just as passionate and willing to take on the world. The ultimate goal each day is in some way make somebody’s life a little bit better. There is always an opportunity to do this and we should make it a point to try. In subtle ways as well as bigger ways, shed your light on someone today! A familiar smile, a reaching hand, a song, or kind word can change a day and a life at any moment. What was once insecurity for me is now a truth I’m confident in; there is a “need” to be loved and understood in everyone’s life in order to achieve their greatest freedom. Each of us has a treasure inside, dig in, find yours and find another’s. Proclaim your desires and create the life you imagine. Apart we are marvels of creation, together an undeniable force.

Surviving Versus Thriving

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; to do so with passion, compassion, humor, and style”~ Maya Angelou

Challenges are part of life for everyone. I am no stranger to them and today I could look at my life and know that I am a survivor; that I've beat some odds and accomplished more than even I thought would be possible. In the grand scheme of things I wasn't always getting by in healthy or even normal ways; suffice to say I tend to learn the hard way. Perhaps everyone learns that way, but my experience is different, I know and appreciate people who simply seem to have everything working in their lives. Folks who seemingly have the world fall into their laps, awesome for them! From a young age I always felt a little different, as if I had something to prove to the world and often I did; finding success in the areas of life where passion, fierceness, persistence, and a bit of rebellion would prove to be valuable. That being said, I have also been a person of extremes, both rewarding and destructive. Recently, my oldest friend looked me dead in the eyes and told me how much he “admired” me because I pushed him when we were younger; to be better, to never give up, and have confidence in himself. Soon after, he gave me a firm reminder of battles I’ve won and people I’ve helped along the course of my life. He told me in a forceful way that frankly, only very few people could or would “get away with” speaking to me. I needed the reminder and I won’t soon forget the conversation. Ironically, I never saw these qualities in myself, there was always a deep feeling that I had to fight for everything and I didn't necessarily deserve “the good life”. Cool part is, I already live the good life and it will only get better! I have been forced to look at and reevaluate these feelings about myself and I've made a decision to cease fighting everything, mostly myself. By no means have I given up, in fact it’s quite the opposite; I’m prepared to thrive and not simply survive. I’m prepared to love fully and engage in living the life I imagine. Survival mode has put me in a position to do great things, not only for myself, but for others in the world; my intentions are to flourish in my personal journey and make at least part of the world a little better each and every day. I will allow myself to love and be loved.  

Certain connections are needed in life in order to truly feel free, to skip down the street or be brave enough to step out of your comfort zone; most importantly to lay down your defenses and create the life you imagine. Independence is a great trait to have, when you can be yourself and do the things you want to do surprising some folks along the way. What I’ve learned (once again the hard way), is that individualism becomes magical when it is respected, embraced, admired, and shared. People who are connected by love, of themselves and another radiate an authentic vibe that is unexplainable and enchanting. Everyone needs somebody to lift them at times, to encourage dreams, and share a vision. It turns surviving into thriving and the force of it can’t be measured in words. The key is to know what you deserve and what you want; everyone deserves it and once you want it, seize the magic and let your beautiful life unfold. Love is like oxygen; you can survive for a while without it and thrive so long as you breathe it in and allow it to fill you up.      

The Visionary and The Sorcerer

“I can do things you cannot. You can do things I cannot. Together, WE can do great things”~ Mother Teresa

It is often times difficult to describe feelings or for that matter, understand them yourself when you are a self-reliant individual who has won a few “battles” along the way of life. I’m often writing about the lessons I've learned over the years; about change and growth and purpose. For my entire life I have been an independent guy, never one to be with any certain crowd with any kind of defined way of thinking. A rebel perhaps in some ways, mostly though it has been that I have my own ideas on what should be done and how to do things. I’m extreme and passionate and I will never apologize for that, it makes me who I am. It has been both a blessing and a curse; the blessings because when you feel things you know you’re alive and the curse in the times I should have allowed another inside. My own life misconception was that I had to do it all on my own. Having a deep fear of not being able to accomplish what I set out to do by myself. Today, that fear is gone and I know as well as I know my name; I CAN’T DO IT ALONE, nor do I want to. I believe in my purpose to make the world a better place in some way, whether through my job, my art, my ability to bring people together, or whatever my strengths and opportunities may be. For the very first time, I know that I am better as part of a connection. There is a yin to everyone’s yang. The most successful people I know, both men and women, have that connection, that sharing of a purpose and it took me a long time to see it. As individuals each have a dynamic that allows the other to shine; together they are powerful beyond the stars. This has been the greatest lesson of life for me and there have been some doozies. That being said, it has also taught me about true and unconditional love, which is truly what everything is all about. It's very humbling to discover something so beautiful when you never realized it was all that was missing. The gratitude and pureness I have for this realization cannot be measured.

As I sit here, with a lot of great opportunities in front of me, the realization is that I need help to complete the mission; a person who balances me out as I balance them out. Always afraid of saying “I need anyone or anything”, this day I can say that I do need a partner and I am not needy in any way, but secure in that belief. A friend recently told me that I’m “like a magician” because I seem to get things done. I suppose it’s true in a way and it all stems from a source that has given me certain gifts; wonderful gifts that each of us have and hopefully make good use of. As each day passes, we can accomplish, learn, and dream of a whole lot; even more when we have a common purpose. There is a ton on my plate right now and it’s all purposeful and good; I can use some direction and help and that’s okay. Every Sorcerer needs a Visionary. 

The Place We Really Want To Go

“A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them” ~John C. Maxwell

This is it, the reflective time of year when we start to make resolutions and promises to ourselves to make some things happen. Hopefully we are not holding onto any sort of regrets or living in a place we can’t control, the past. Each of us make mistakes, we say or don’t say things we shouldn’t or should have, life keeps going. No matter what you have done, didn’t do, or wish you did; today is an opportunity to begin again, to simply get better from the lessons of yesterday. I suppose that is exactly what life is about; creating in some way your own contentment, knowing what makes you tick and running with it. Occasionally the stuff we have to learn about ourselves is painful and that can be beautiful. We are forced out of our comfort zone and fresh perspectives are born. When we see the other side and accept what is happening in the moment, a light within can switch on, showing us how we can become the persons we want to be. Everyone has the ability to get to the place they really want to go once they are awakened to the visions of what they want their life to look like. Let’s all make our promises and resolutions keeping in perspective that there will be great lessons to go along with them. The only real promise to make to ourselves is to get better.

For 2015 I will create the life I imagine and learn from the past. I will know how to love better, live better, get better, and simply be better. If opportunity to say and do things differently comes my way, I will be fearless in seizing that opportunity. The life I imagine for myself has changed over this year in that I may want the same things, but I know that they’re always more achievable when shared. The life I imagine for myself has a new component and I’m grateful to have learned the lesson, there is no way to ever settle for less. I will move forward and make things happen; already there is some creative stuff in the works and I understand there is nothing at all to fear. The success I’m after is growth, to be better than I was yesterday, knowing there is no ceiling in the future. One step, one day, and one moment at a time I will strive to see the big picture; the life I see now is different and the possibilities are limitless. See your big picture in 2015 and get after it!! 

Good Vibes and Easy Living

“Kiss slowly, laugh insanely. Live truly and forgive quickly” ~ Paulo Coelho

The bagpipes echoed throughout the old theater sending chills down my spine and drawing tears from my eyes. Over a hundred pipers along with drummers starting off a night of remembrance for Brendan Tevlin, a young man who was murdered at the hands of evil; senselessly taken from this world for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. No matter the circumstance or the questions of a given situation, it is always difficult to comprehend when a young life ends. It would be easy to write about the different ways tragedy is handled by different people, I prefer today to leave a message of hope and forgiveness because that is exactly what I took from the Tevlin family and friends. The theme of the night was “Good Vibes and Easy Living” and talking with the family I learned that it was also the theme of this young man’s life. Tom, his grandfather is a retired fireman who I know and even learned recently that I have a lot more in common with than the career that chose us. Through all the pain this family has and will endure, they are choosing to live in a way that all of us should emulate because we simply never know what life brings. Tom, who is 78 and looking to get “discovered” at a local karaoke place, sings The Beatles, Rod Stewart, and Barry White… He has wigs for each performance.  The twinkle in his eyes and easy smile on his face had me feeling a kinship and at ease in a way which I hope to bring to those around me. The conversation alone showed me that life is precious and there is no room for resentment or anger to live the life you imagine. When you love, love completely and never leave words left unsaid.

There is another situation happening around me where a woman who I have known my entire life, she is extended family to the point I call her children my cousins; she is rapidly moving on from this world. It is difficult to watch and all I can do is try and be there for the family in any way they need me. However, I am grateful that I was able to have a conversation with her a couple weeks ago before she was unable to speak. What I gained from that conversation is that I will do all I can in this life to have no regrets and to live as fearlessly as possible. Today I will choose to be happy no matter how much my mind races. Today, I will take a step toward my dreams; take care of myself spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally as best I can. I will smile and send love and light to everyone who has touched my life in a positive way and those who have taught me magical lessons. Hopes of skipping through New York City, feeling great and dancing through the night will remain with me no matter what “advice” I have been given. Today, I will be grateful for this beautiful life and family and friends. Today, music will fill my soul, inspiring creativity and allowing my body to move freely. Today, I will feel lighter as I discover the innocence of pure passion and love that I have come to know is still within me. Today, I will embrace the fact that I’m a bit “on the outside” of the groups I belong to; it is possible to be both tough and tender! Today, I will be independent and fierce in creating the life I dream of yet open and available to sharing myself. Today, I will do something good and unexpected for someone and not need anything in return. Tonight, I will look back on today and know I did the best I could to be better. Good vibes and easy living; this holiday season, let’s all be full of life and full of love.  

Falling Forward

“I have spoke with the tongue of Angels, I have held the hand of the Devil” ~U2

There are days when the crisp breeze can make it feel as though we are walking along the glaciers of Antarctica and others when the sun beats down so hard it as is if the Equator is mere miles away. There is a magic in the fall season which always seems to bring out an intense array of change. Other than the clocks, the term “fall back” has never resonated much with me; it’s always better to fall forward. For that matter, when spring arrives, might as well spring forward too! With Thanksgiving right around the corner I have had some time to review some of the mistakes and missteps I have made and found reason to be thankful for them; took time and reached out to some people who have taught me lessons or brought positive influence into my life just to let them know they are being thought of. Mostly they have been folks who have not heard from me in awhile and that has been pretty awesome. That slight gesture has put smiles on the faces and in the hearts of everyone involved. There are people and situations in life we must remember to simply be grateful for, it makes everything worth while. In a year where I have learned as much about myself as any other, my entire attitude and outlook is going through a huge growth stage. A lot of alone time, sleepless nights, mixed up thoughts, and rejection have cleared the overall path to what I vow to create; the greatest life ever. Consistently falling forward makes it easier to get back up, dust yourself off and keep moving, even if you have to crawl for a time.   

After every single storm there is a clear day ahead and that is the way I try to live my life. That is an easy statement to say or even write; it is also one of the most difficult to live by. A very close friend said to me a short time ago, “it amazes me you didn't start drinking again”. For me, that wasn't an option I would consider. Instead, the other day I went to the ocean, sat there watching the waves crash ashore, allowing myself to feel the moment and release what holds me back. I let everything I was ever afraid of go out to sea in a bottle. Everyone has the ability to change, to go with life’s flow like a rafting trip down a swift moving river. There will be smooth sailing sometimes, but we are bound to hit some major bumps along the way. The trick is in realizing that you can’t change anything but how you think and feel about yourself. I lost an election that I worked really hard at and the free time allowed me to begin writing again; to follow my ultimate dream of acting. It also gave me the opportunity to study in an effort that will enhance my career and give me the freedom to get to the place I really want to go. A relationship ended that was the greatest one I've ever known. It forced me to look deep inside, challenged me, and helped me realize that not only am I good enough, but ready and able to be the man of someone’s dreams. It raised the bar for what I desire in a partner; two people powerful enough to change the world, who will empower, challenge, laugh with, and encourage each other. It will be impossible for me to ever settle for less than that. Then, recently I missed out on a role that would be perfect for me and I prepared for it more than any other to date. That disappointment knocked me for a loop but may have opened another door to write a play; I am making an attempt and welcome the creative change. The point is that we can keep taking the hits, keep getting knocked down and still fall forward. At the very least we are still able to look ahead when we fall in that direction. If we stay idle or dwell on missed opportunities, we will always be looking back. Change your perception, change your life.Throw fear into the sea or wherever you need to in order to embrace this magical journey. Remember one important thing, falling forward also means you're out there living life; making things happen!!  

Making Sense Of It ALL

Soulmates, challenges, serendipity, life on life’s terms, understanding, faith, love, and lessons; these are just a small portion of the things I have tried to make sense of lately and frankly I don’t know if it’s possible. I had correspondence recently with a writer I admire and he had some advice for me which I will try and conjure up here; basically he said I always try and drive home the things I have already nailed in my writing. I probably do that because I feel as though I have to relearn a lot of things I thought I figured out! So Mr. Brault, thank you and here’s to change!

~ For whatever reason I have always been guarded against allowing people to get close to me; the reasoning is the one you allow closest may run furthest away.

~ I think the reason I am the way I am is because of the work and introspection I have done on myself over the years. I've been doing too much of it.

~ To let go and to live in the question is not as easy for some of us as it is others; Suppose silence is the answer, eventually you will stop asking questions. 

~ Stepping out of ourselves and taking an honest look at where we are at allows us to be grateful for air we breathe, visions we see, dreams we have, and feelings we feel. You can hold your breath, close your eyes, dream new dreams; feelings are unrelenting.  

~ It’s pretty ironic that actually doing everything in your power to move forward doesn't always have you feeling that you are going anywhere.

~ Souls are invisible until right there in the flesh, their mates show up on the same bus.

~Serendipity is not a fluke.    

~There are films, books, web sites, and of course music that seem to make sense of feelings at any given moment. However, the closing credits come up on the screen or the last note is played and there we are again, trying to figure out where to go next.

~ Sharing is mathematical. Joys multiply and pains divide.

~ The four letter word that makes us weep, laugh, believe, scream in the shower, dance in the moonlight, and punch the air is LOVE. There are many other four letter words which that one causes us to mumble or whisper.

~ Dreams can start over; a cannoli and some coffee with two forks and two cups.

~ Perhaps the only thing that makes sense in life is nothing makes sense. 

Acceptance, Balance, and Change

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible; fear of failure” ~The Alchemist

Above all else, my dream is to be better. I spend a lot of time creating; writing, working on the craft of acting, and lately studying so I may be better at the job I’m truly blessed to have. With all of that comes a deep desire to share everything with someone who inspires me and I, in turn, hope to inspire. Before the beginning of the summer I tended to break my life down into three different phases, those life altering moments when something inside or even circumstances you can’t control force you to look at the world and your life differently. Accepting the things you cannot change in life are the moments when the biggest changes occur and that always happens within. Phase one of my life was when I learned some of the great lessons I have carried with me ever since. Work hard and you may surprise some people along the way. Family is family and they are never going to be perfect, love them anyway; some of life’s greatest memories are being a kid with the innocence of not “knowing any better”. Phase two began 22 years ago yesterday when my brother, my best friend, my hero was tragically taken from this world. I could not accept it and instead I began a pattern of living that would break me down in every possible way; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I spent some years after his death in a fog; a haze of destruction of which inevitably brought me to my knees. I also know that he has always been with me, likely having a hand in keeping me alive. Over the last several months he has entered in these vivid dreams directly involving my current circumstances that I could only share with very few people; he was a fighter then and that spirit lives in me. He has left me a few nickels richer! Today, I am thankful for it because I ended up at phase three; a moment of clarity in 2005 that began a new life and an opportunity to soar. I have grown a lot since then; there is no way to define the transformation that has taken place. The words gratitude, faith, and love all come to mind. In essence, I became the version of myself I was intended to be… sort of.

The fourth phase has begun and it has everything to do with balance and sharing. I had been with the person who allowed me to see that and now I know for certain what will bring me full circle; back to the innocence of “not knowing any better”. Armed with the wisdom of my experiences and the balance that was brought to me; I have been smacked awake and know with all my heart what I desire in this lifetime. There will not be anger or resentment, only love and encouragement. For many years the only real fear I had was of failing and that was an obstacle designed for me. Sure there are moments, words unspoken or spoken, choices I made that I would take back if I could; I also know where my true desires are and I’m no longer afraid to fail. Have the courage to change the things you can and have faith that the results will bring you closer to your best life. Never be afraid to lay your cards out on the table; the results won’t be up to you, but at the very least you will have stepped up and gave life a shot. For the rest of my days I will be grateful even when I don’t understand. I will be humble because I know what I can and can’t control. I will love unconditionally because forgiveness is essential to a peaceful heart. Even when it is painful, I will walk with my shoulders back and head held high knowing I did the best I could. I will send encouragement and light to those who have touched my soul no matter the distance between us. When an opportunity to change comes, I will embrace it and move forward. I will never again be afraid to fail or speak what I truly feel. I want to share everything, good and bad with a person who simply wants to understand me; I too will at least try and understand them. In this phase of development; above all else, my dream is to be better.

My younger self (and future self too)

As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

Last night at a family gathering celebrating a milestone birthday for my brother and two other birthdays, my niece and nephew, a major thought occurred to me as I spoke to my oldest nephew. I tried to teach him something I hope he will understand one day. With all I have learned through challenges, triumphs, loss, and incredible moments of clarity in my life, what would be the most important lessons I would teach my younger self or hopefully my own kids some day? When I say younger self, this can mean “younger” as in a day ago, a month ago, ten years ago, or thirty years ago. The bottom line is our individual journeys are constantly in the flow of our current beliefs in ourselves or the contradictions that force us to grow. Over the last several months I've come to trust that I am fully at peace with who I am; this after having my confidence shaken tremendously. I’m incredibly grateful that these monumental changes came to me. It’s okay for me to be a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, to be a man of determination and conviction, a man who truly believes in unconditional love and regards that over all else. I can be stubborn and loyal to a fault, tough enough to risk my life for others, yet soft enough write poetry. I've never been interested in being what others believe I should be, yet for a time I fell into that trap. I will listen to advice, I will seek wisdom. However, with all of my “advisers” and people who believe they know how I should be living and telling me how; I will trust my heart first and foremost because that is where my truth lies.

I will be brave enough to break down walls that I have built around myself in order to be the greatest man I can be. I will have enough faith in both myself and The Universe that each and every moment is perfect even when it doesn't feel that way. I will continue to give without any expectation of return. I now know that I am worthy of the greatest life possible and I want to build just that; hopefully alongside someone who makes me better, who balances out my complexities with purity and a smile that makes my heart sing. In turn, I will be the best silly, happy, loving, and compassionate guy I was created to be. I could be a rock for anyone; there is nothing this world can throw at me that I have not seen. I will provide support, love, affection, and all I can in every way because that is what my soul longs to do. I will treat people the way I want to be treated and communicate openly with those who matter most in my life. I will set out to make the world a better place humbly, respectfully, and with dignity. I will do my very best to be grateful for all that I do have and instead of dwelling on what I lack, I will work toward getting to the place I dream of being. I will kiss passionately, bask in spontaneity, love eternally and deeply. I will not be afraid to dance fast and hard no matter what I look like; I will cherish every slow dance I’m blessed enough to have, allowing my heart to melt with another. I will continue to act, to write, to create no matter how long it takes to “get it right”. I will be grateful for the surprise moments in life when my heart pounds, my body trembles, and my words flow out unmanaged. I will always have the audacity to laugh at myself when my idiotic tendencies come rushing out of me. I will never ever be afraid to tell the ones I love that I love them. I will cherish this life every moment of every day through each experience that helps create who I am. Hey, younger self, live life your way, without fear and always follow your heart! I got your back always. That goes for you too future self! What I know now, I wouldn’t change for anything! May everyone feel free enough to follow their bliss. Cheers.