DOG LESSONS

“Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them, and filling an emptiness we didn’t ever know we had” ~Thom Jones

There’s comfort in knowing that no matter what situations arise in life, whether challenging, or triumphant, or scary, dark or magical, that you will be loved and left un-judged. For reasons that are extremely complex to comprehend, humans put all sorts of judgments and expectations on one another that cause immense amounts of fear which blocks them from fully embracing love; a dog, the right dog could teach us a lot about life and embracing the love we seek to be given and ultimately were put here to give.

I had just finished working for the day, my real estate agent called me to tell me that the house I was looking to buy fell through. Turns out that is probably a blessing as I’m not even sure where I will be in the next several months, I was somehow relieved and sad all at the same time. That’s how my mind tends to work though, constantly searching, always moving at breakneck speed as I attempt to simply sloooow it down. This is certainly an ironic piece of how it works for me, brain racing in search of a pause; it’s how I’m wired! A thought hit me that I wanted to go see some Husky dogs, it’s a breed that has intrigued me for a long time and I figured I would rescue one once I HAD a house. I found that it may take some work just to see some of them so I made a phone call to see if I could make it happen. No luck! I did however, talk to a woman I know who is very involved in dog rescues. She couldn’t help with Huskies, but she had recently removed a Husky/Pit Bull mix from a home where he was neglected and mal nourished. With a few hours to kill I told her I’d stop by; she “warned” me that he was shy and a bit scared before I got there. What the hell, if nothing else, she has a slew of animals to visit and I was up for a little spontaneity. As he emerged from the barn area I stood next to my car with a smile on my face and in approximately 12 seconds Conan had both his paws on my shoulders and was kissing my face with the ferocity of a little puppy angel. Basically I knew right then and there that nothing was going to be the same, he was going to be part of my life and there was nothing I’d be able to do about it; with every overjoyed wag of his tail my heart opened up wider and wider. This beautiful animal needed me and before long, I realized I needed him. He has taught me quite a bit about myself and how life, making sacrifices, and following your heart always seem to work.

This pup; this incredibly loyal, needy, loving, playful, protective, funny, active, and curious pup has taught me about connection. For us it was instant, he sensed something in me that I needed (I didn’t even know it myself) and in turn, the second he looked at me with his magical blue/brown eyes I knew we were going to be friends for life. It is, I believe rare to find this type of bond, it does happen though and we should embrace it and cherish it when it does. I call it the “Hundred Percenter”; it’s different from attachment in that even when my stubborn/logical mind told me I wasn’t quite ready to have this alliance because I didn’t have the house yet, that my schedule is complex, that I would need help, that well… you get the picture. I knew in my heart that I had to find a way to make it work and I honed into what my feelings were telling me. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, that my landlord wasn’t crazy about the idea, that my schedule and responsibilities to my job could be a challenge, that I was actually unsure of myself to be capable of giving him what he needs, and if I was ready to sacrifice some freedom to take on the partnership. He is teaching me a little bit about time management. A free spirit with a consistently racing mind and some free time due to my work schedule, I’ve struggled mightily with organizational skills. There are so many things I try and do in a day that often, I wouldn’t get any of it done due to my ADD. When you have a responsibility to get a dog out, take him to exercise, feed him, train him etc., there is surely a sense of programming for both of you!  

I had my doubters for sure, family and friends telling me I am “out of my mind” or that I didn’t have the time or experience to be a proper parent. Justified concerns for sure, but at the end of the day one of the things I’m most grateful for in my life is that I make my own decisions and when it comes to what my heart wants, the people who truly love and know me understand this and do not attempt to influence me.

All I can say is that it is working; Conan and I are figuring it all out as we go along. Everyone knew that I was going to keep this dog no matter what they thought. When my mind is made up, I’ll make it happen. Those closest to me jumped on board and have been encouraging and supportive; in some cases, outright helpful!! It wouldn’t be possible without the proverbial “Village” of people who see what I see in this far from perfect situation. Though for Conan and me, it couldn’t get much more perfect. We welcome others to join us on this adventure with open arms!

Conan has taught me about true connection. We are very active; we hike, run, go to parks and dog parks, and explore the city. He has gone from a shy and uncertain pup to a confident and charismatic companion seemingly like magic. Everyone wants to engage with him; this alone has allowed me to learn more about people while opening my mind and heart to new things. Basically, he’s a magnet, attracting both doggie and human friends too! I suppose that’s what confidence and comfort do for us; it gives us the freedom to be spontaneous and closer to our true playful selves. There are no judgments or guilt, simply a bond that brings out the best in both of us. No fear, only love. This happens when our heart is ready, when we are ready to let go of all that could hold us back and just let life unfold the way The Universe intends it to. There will be challenges, there will be lessons, there will be disappointments, there will be joys and laughter, and most importantly, most hopefully, there will be “hundred percenters”; those bonds (human and non-human) that make life worth living.   

Stubborn Soul

“It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all; the opposite of love is indifference”

~The Lumineers

Bent over, exhausted, breathing as though there was a seventy five pound kettle bell resting squarely on my chest; still, I managed to smile, sweat pouring from my brow, I just finished my first triathlon. I felt accomplished, especially after making it out of the swimming part alive! I’ve never been coached and that needs to change, finding a training partner or partners is on my “to do” list. After the race I decided to stay in a quaint bed and breakfast for the night; this sort of mini trip has been common for me over the last couple of years. Romance novels, movies, and the most popular music would call it “Soul Searching”; I believe my soul has always been here, guiding me to be kind, to be a leader, to struggle, to achieve, and to be touched by life. It’s been here for me to live and survive every single experience of my existence in order to create from it. No matter where you go physically, what kind of work you do, material possessions or losses; the soul is our constant reminder that the world is full of lessons and it is that piece of us that lifts us beyond the heavens. When you “bare your soul” you’re striving for connection to a higher place, trying to open up to a vast and beautiful world.      

The existence of our soul is a mystical, unidentifiable piece of us right up until a moment arrives when suddenly, inexplicably, part of it is absent. I had gone through my life as a very independent guy, consistently doing “my own thing, my own way”, never in my entire life allowing anyone to get passed a certain point of knowing me; an intense defense mechanism that served me for most of my life. At a point, my guard came down and then a piece went missing and a search to discover what is truly important to me began. I came upon the realization of several “souls” that are part of me.

An “Old Soul” is wise beyond their years, a person who wants stability without bullshit. They’ve experienced life in such a way that there is nothing you can throw at them they won’t understand or empathize with. Often, these are the folks who choose very carefully, the people they allow to get close to them. You want to sit with them by a fire, learn of their frailties, and tell them of yours. Often they have deep seeded wounds that need healing. There is the “Gypsy Soul”, the one who seemingly has a whimsical intelligence that can draw you in and take you places of euphoric delight with an easy laugh and glimmer in their eyes. There is mischievousness about them that makes freedom in any moment penetrate every single part of your being and will have you soaring above stars and moon. When you’re in their presence, there is a feeling you can take on the world. You want to dance with them, jump off a cliff hand in hand, and with reckless abandon, create an adventure for the ages. Often they have deep seeded wounds that need healing. Kind souls, tortured souls, creative souls, or any number of titles one could conjure up; at different moments during our lives there will be many different variations of our authentic soul that can mean many different things. This is what makes us human, to own each of these different parts of ourselves and strive to be better.

Finally there is what I call the “Stubborn Soul”. This is the part that, no matter how much your mind tells you to quit or how much defense you’re able to build up, a person or experience or dream stays with you and is there to teach you about yourself. The stubborn soul asks that you look deeper to free everything up in order to live the best possible life you’re able to; it asks that you find answers within yourself instead of looking elsewhere. At times this part will want to run away and not face the feelings of the heart, but it will always come back unless you own it. This is the part that lingers until you open yourself up enough to explore it thoroughly. This is the one that moves you to leave your comfort zone and risk love and vulnerability. Often we do all we can to fight it, but it’s not that easy. The stubborn soul, when you finally open up to what it's telling you, is the one that heals those deep seeded wounds and allows you to freely jump off of life’s highest mountain knowing that there will be a smooth landing. Somewhere along the journey there is a “Soul Mate” to soar with and to heal with; a perfect blend of each other’s collective souls creating a world within the world to do it all; the connection every soul yearns to find. At least, that’s what my stubborn soul tells me.        

BORN TO RUN

“Together we can live with the sadness, I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul~ Someday girl, I don’t know when, we’re gonna get to that place we really want to go, we’ll walk in the sun, until then~ Tramps like us, baby we were Born to Run” ~Springsteen

I don’t remember the date exactly when I heard Bruce was writing the story of his life, I do recall feeling excited though. For as long as I can remember, since my brother Kevin took me to my first concert, I’ve always been excited when a new album was coming out! For me (and countless others), the music he has created over his career has been like having a mentor, friend, shrink, and companion behind speakers both big and small. I like pretty much all music and have many other artists I truly enjoy listening to; but when the shit hits the fan in my head or my heart, Bruce is where I turn. After Kevin died there would be long drives listening to THE RIVER, BORN TO RUN, NEBRASKA, or DARKNESS. I would drive miles and miles upon hours and hours of listening, feeling, and wondering how to navigate through this crazy life. Then there are the live shows, each one a monumental experience of the brilliance the world provides. For 3 or 4 hours and usually days after there is this inexplicable euphoria that comes over me; it began as BORN IN THE USA shook the rafters of Giants Stadium at the first of many shows I would (and will certainly continue to) see. The E Street Band that day, brought a new found hope to a young kid that was full of angst and was in search of something that would bring me joy, passion, hope, and possibly even an understanding of the stuff I feel inside; Bruce has been doing that for me for a long time. According to “Born to Run”, the book, the concerts have been Bruce’s place to find those very same things. We see him and he sees us and that is a connection very few artists bring to their audience.

Bruce has the ability to put himself in someone else’s shoes in a way not many other artists can. As a Fireman, the chilling way he is able to feel what it must be like to be ascending those stairs in THE RISING wearing “the cross of my calling” is remarkable. He has never, as far as I know entered a burning building, but he senses it and tells the story in a very real and sensitive way. Needless to say, as a writer I anxiously awaited the delivery of the book; for as much as the music has brought to me I simply knew this would help me to connect to the artist in a new and profound way, it didn’t disappoint!

508 pages read in a matter of three days, I couldn’t put it down; there I was going through all my memories of the music and what it meant during different aspects of my life. By myself in my apartment, I experienced moments of laughter and flat out wails of crying as Bruce writes so poetically of his imagination running wild as kid or his connection to a family life he believed to be so different than anyone else’s. Sounds and smells of childhood mornings as his mom got ready for work and the need to try and impress his dad (in my case my older brothers as well). His decision of moving to California as I strongly contemplate this very move was an eye opener to say the least, the final decision to stay connected to his roots in Jersey, however sorted they may have been for him, makes a whole lot of sense at this point in my life. Bruce is so generous and open throughout the book that it’s a must read even if you’re not a “fan”. One of the biggest rock stars and artists on planet earth has struggles to overcome and real life anxiety that anyone could own. No doubt he has also had success and incredibly joyous moments that few experience, but all of it comes to fruition in a very human way. He puts it out there in such a way that you feel like you’re having a long conversation with your closest friend.

My eyes welled with tears as I read about his experience of realizing the world was closing in on him in Texas. He writes, “All I know is as we age the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier… much heavier”. For me, over a decade ago a similar experience happened and I had to take a good long look in the mirror to change everything, to break free from the demons that had a grip on my soul and caused nothing but despair. I was able to overcome alcoholism and that was the beginning of a new life. That’s not to say I haven’t had other battles since then, the “baggage” I carried was immense and I’m still processing and letting it fall every single day. Through my own decision to see a therapist and search of family history I’ve discovered parts of me that took a long time to comprehend and I could not be more grateful. The outsider in me caused me to retreat from the most pure and loving relationship I’d ever known; today I know I’ve done my best and that my half of the dream is alive. When the other half shows up, I'll be ready and willing to explore! I live a very rewarding life, because of that experience I’m now open to delving into life’s journey, not only as an individual chasing dreams, but as part of the bigger picture; a basic and strong need for connection, for love and forgiveness and healing. A connection that will one day bring me a family and sense of security all the while, basking in the moments of silliness, of passion, and creativity; this life holds all of these aspects and now I understand why Bruce Springsteen has been along with me for the ride all these years. It really “ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive!” 

The Taste (of the soul)

Amid the chaos in my head I'm certain of this; I long for that feeling again~
Devastating memories erased,
Joys of your laugh linger.
I'm better now, opened wide to allow all light to shine in. Walls crumbled all around me~ we can move we can dance, we can dream; conquer deepest fears. Heart to heart, face to face; sweet destiny reach for my hands as they are connected to my soul.

In your eyes I felt it,
A thousand times before we ever met.
I knew when you ran away that something would bring us back,
It didn't take long, or perhaps it was a sign.
As the rain poured down, it was magical sweetness I tasted on your lips; a flavor embedded in my my soul. I couldn't leave. Knowing then that your touch was what I longed for in eternity. Two powerful forces in the midst of uncertainty about tomorrow. As we grew closer, tears coming down our faces and we spoke words neither of us had ever uttered; so meaningful, so surreal. The salt of your body on my tongue never seems to vanish. I got a taste.

Monumental possibilities between us, unstoppable~ I wasn't going to run away even though my own insecurities slowed me down. I can't take it back, I tried, I want that taste again because in it I found my bliss. My wholeness. Delightful in every way. That doesn't mean it'd all be easy, I can only speak for myself; if it means to fight, to wait, to change, to let go, or dream~ I will taste it again, the succulent taste of love.

Inside your body lies the summit so hard to reach, faith restored in the depths of of still waters I worked so hard to preserve. The only world to conquer is ours; that place where our souls once danced together~ time and space have proved to me there's only one body I need to delve in, to touch, to hold and protect~ I got a taste.

The Mountain

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be able to decide what is best for you” ~ Oprah Winfrey

As the plane began its descend, I was in awe of the enormity of the Mountains; seemingly out of nowhere they take over the earth, majestically transforming the landscape into a heavenly feast for the eyes. For the first time in a very long time I chose a window seat on my flight; heading to Colorado, I wanted the full experience of seeing the snowcapped Rocky Mountains from the air. I was traveling to this magnificent place in the middle of the country with some guys I started my career with several years back, to celebrate one of them taking a major life step. At work, I have to trust these guys with my life, on this trip I had to trust that they would understand that my way of “letting loose” is different than theirs and I would spend a good portion of the trip out on my own exploring the beauty of the land and visiting other life-long  friends. I wanted write, to climb, to fill up with the “good stuff” that nature provides. I was able to do all these things, taking in each moment to unfold more of my soul and what certain aspects of life mean; love, friendship, adventure, and of course dreaming of the life I plan to live.

It was once said to me that my life is “set”. This may not seem like a big deal to many, but for me those words pierced through my heart like a shard of glass coming down from the heavens; a wound was opened unlike any other prior to that time in my life. It came at a time when, in all actuality, I was striving to move ahead, but at a crossroads of sorts about old ideas and lifelong fears that held me back from the most important things in life. Our lives are never ever “set”, there is no such thing. This would mean either that we are absolutely certain of our future or that our past has dictated where we’ll stay. To add to that, my dreams are big and for the most part will eventually move me away from where I currently am; it’s simply a bonus that I’m in a good place right now. It’s my belief that we can know exactly where we intend to go and do the things we set out to do; only we can never be sure just how it will all unravel. My friends and I sat down in a six person raft with an idea of going with the flow of the river, eventually reaching our destination. Sometimes we would really have to work, paddling extra hard because the weight we were carrying caused our vessel to get stuck on more rocks than others. Eight rafts took the trip and it was only ours where, including me, people were thrown out and into the river to fend for ourselves until we were pulled back in. Large slippery rocks, powerful current and frigid waters are the main physical obstacles to get back in the boat; by far, the biggest interference is fear of letting yourself simply drift along until you reach the folks who will pull you back aboard. Believe in the current as well as your own survival skills and you will drift freely to the place you need to be. Even the strongest swimmers cannot fight the rush of water Mother Nature provides, so you simply have to let go, breathe, and allow it to take you to that place where someone will pull you safely back in. Therein lies the beauty, a hand to reach out to after moving through obstacles and releasing all your fears.

“To live for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain that sustains life, not the top”. The following day these words from Robert M. Pirsig rang over and over in my mind as I climbed up in the snowcapped mountains that seemed imaginary as the plane was landing in Colorado. This was part of the trip that I’d have to explore on my own. No doubt I feel as though this kind of adventure is enhanced tremendously when shared with another; however, I wasn’t going to wait for that to happen, the moment was now. I’ve spent a lot of time traveling in the past year and a half; from coast to coast, oceans and mountains, rivers, beaches, and cities. I’ve met all sorts of interesting people along the way. Conversations with an array of folks including friends I haven’t seen in years, fellow writers, Firefighters, lost souls and insanely successful actors, artists and musicians. We are all connected to what the side of the mountain represents; a journey filled with joys and sorrows, victories and defeats, laughter and tears. We choose trails and we climb, is it better to keep your head down and charge up the hill without regard of the life happening around you? Or, is it better to be aware of the sprouting wildlife, of the colors, of the gentle streams and fallen trees? One way or the other we all experience what the mountain has in store for us, either as we enjoy our ascension or as we tumble back down. I’ve fallen down many times. I've crossed paths with those who have taught me about life, about themselves, and most importantly, myself. Whichever trail you choose, take it all in, spontaneously jump on a rock and scream to the world that “I feel great”!! When your path crosses with somebody looking to go where you want to go, sing, dance, and explore everything along the way. The top isn’t as lonely when you get there side by side. If in fact you have to go it alone, remember to be aware of the life around you and treat it well. The journey to the top is filled with magical moments.        

Angel on the Trail

“Sometimes people don’t need advice; all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them” ~Unknown

I sat silently in the middle of a stream listening to sounds of the waterfall at the bottom of a steep embankment along the trail. I could feel the tiny drops splashing on my arms and face, the day wasn’t super-hot by any means, but the droplets are refreshing and remind me of the infinite source of nature; though my mind which always seems to be racing was again full of thoughts, stillness in this moment allowed my awareness to increase.

My eyes were closed and sunlight that shone through the trees was warm on my face. There is a certain grace you feel in nature as the outside world moves at a pace difficult to keep up with. I felt a presence descending down toward the stream and opened my eyes to see a woman making her way down. She was certainly in shape and fearlessly navigating her way down the hill; this has to be a spot she frequents. I did my very best not to stare at her as she gathered rocks around the stream, stacking them on top of a much a larger rock to form a tower. This was quite intriguing to me. After several minutes of this she waved at me, her smile inviting and at ease. I decided to approach her; curiosity as well as this woman’s approachable nature guided me toward her.

“What is it that you’re doing?” I asked. Her reply was carefully thought out, though it also seemed as if she wanted to use the right words so that I would understand. “It’s spiritual, for a few minutes I concentrate on balancing the rocks and it centers me”. I smiled an understanding smile she continued; “Does your mind ever race? Go a little crazy with thoughts you can’t seem to stop?” She was speaking my language now! The woman kept on, “Building the tower with rocks forces you to slow down for a few minutes and start over”. With that, she topped off her rock tower and told me she needed to go pick up her daughter. I thanked her and watched as she ascended the embankment back up toward the trail. She was half way up the hill when she turned to me and said “you should probably try it”. Indeed I would.

The next day I was back at the trail, heading toward the waterfall determined to build my own tower near the one that was created by the woman a day earlier. To my surprise it was knocked down. At first I was pissed off because, well, who would knock it down? It’s a tough hike just to get to that place and she searched for all those rocks to build with. Then it came to me, as I built my own tower on a different large rock that sometimes things need to be knocked down. The large rocks were the foundation that could constantly be used to rebuild new towers and new ideas. We could create or construct anything as long as there is a solid foundation to work with. We can be knocked down, even stay down for a while, but as long as at the base of our hearts there is good and love and understanding, there is always a shot at reconstruction. You just have to be willing to jump off the cliff or descend a steep embankment to begin building again. Relationships, friendships, recovering from addictions, healing old wounds, or simply knowing ourselves better begin with the solid foundation of love. 

We have to create our own towers and perhaps along the way someone will come along who is interested, who understands, who would like to build something too. The climb back to the trail, to the top of the world will be something that is nurtured and earned. We will know new freedom and happiness and above all know that we can keep building our dreams, our relationships, and our lives. Angels are everywhere when we’re open to hearing them.    

The Park

“Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million Universes” ~Walt Whitman

I sat silently at the foot of a lake at the foot of a mountain recently; my plan was to simply hike the mountain. To find my way through the day and take in the life nature provides. I’d been having some struggles with writing and exercising my body has become an integral part of my existence, doing what I can to “turn back the clock”! In reality though, this is truly my way of staying in the moment to keep past and future worries from consuming me. I ended up stopping at a bench and writing for the first time in a while; what came over me was the realization of a million tiny Universes that keeps us all connected. The reflection of the mountain on the glass-like surface of the lake had me admiring the perfection of that moment, a man among the world in constant motion. Deep inside this magical place a squirrel is looking for a mate, a bear cub is learning how it will survive, and likely there were fawn playing around chasing each other. Streams constantly flow to find their destination, at times they are full and other times close to dry, just like life. There are picture perfect days and there are storms, both of which always pass. After some time, I hiked the mountain, all the way to the top and back, navigating my way over and through the terrain with an open heart and new found appreciation for connection.

The following day I made my way to this park I like to run because of the different stations to do other exercises. There’s a nice pond with a dam and ducks and on many days, families of turtles hanging out. Something was different this time; things that have always touched me seemed to reach me in a deeper place. Walking past the elderly couples holding hands as they sat on the bench, maybe their bodies weren’t able to do all the things they once did, however hearts were very much alive. Peace in their eyes and a hand to hold onto. Wondering in my mind exactly how this moment came to be for these folks, all the challenges and terrain they had to go through in their journey to have that look of contentment. I jogged past the area of the playground where kids were running around and parents watched with protecting eyes. As if worrying about bills, jobs, relationships, or really anything else didn’t matter. At least while they were there, honoring their young, allowing them to feel free. The thought came to me that one day, I will tell my own kids to dream big, play, explore, and soar. I will never put a limit on just how far they want to go. At yet another area I was jumping rope, kind of like a kid myself. A young couple began to work out together, laughing yet serious about the task at hand, which was keeping in shape, simply awesome. I hope that they left the park to share some ice cream or a pizza! Hey, we only got one life~ let’s live it! As I took all this in, a million Universes developing within our lifetime, an intense feeling came over me that the truth of world is we all need connection. For a very long time it was my belief that it was only a “want” in our lives. This way of thinking likely blocked me from fully having the confidence in myself to open up to my real purpose. I’m not certain of tomorrow; I know I have big dreams and a lot to offer someone and the world. Perhaps I’m a slow learner, but I’m grateful for the lessons I needed to learn in order to know exactly what my heart desires, in fact, needs. In that connection, two souls could stand cool and composed before a million Universes.